I have a couple of experiences to share with you back when I had not gone no contact with my narcissistic family and when I used to live with them. My narcissistic father would wake up around 5 a.m. in the morning to pray. After he was done, he would scream at the top of his lungs, switch on all the lights, toss and turn, drop utensils unnecessarily to wake up everybody without any consideration or empathy towards their schedule. He did not care about when the person slept or in what condition they fell asleep. He would bang on the door of my room, and that would scare the hell out of me, which is why I kept struggling with sleep problems. That hyper-vigilance, that anxiety. I would not fall asleep easily, and I would not sleep deeply. I wasn’t able to sleep because I knew this dirt bag is going to come rushing in the morning and bang on the door of my room, and I’ll have to wake up, and I’ll have to tell him, “Yeah, yeah, I’m ready. I’m coming out,” and so on. He seemed to be full of energy, yet the other members of the family were completely exhausted, completely drained, and the reason was obvious. He used to feed on us all the time, suck that energy in, and then begins the chaos.
Breakfast time was never really breakfast time; it was torture time because he would interrogate us, shame us, blame us, put us down, humiliate us, or other people. Worst-case scenario, there would be a fight between him and his covertly narcissistic wife. Never would he ever let us have that breakfast in peace. I can’t recall a single morning that I can call peaceful or say, “Oh, that morning was different.” Never. The only peaceful mornings I have ever had in my life were in his absence. He was not there; he was not a part of them. So that tells you how chaotic these people are. They just get started with that. It’s the thrill that their nervous system needs.
Once he was done with gaining that negative supply, he would go to his kitchen garden, call it, or a piece of land he used to work in mornings around. You have to do what they want you to do. These controlling dirtbags are extremely chaotic because you have to tip-toe around them. You have to do what they want you to do. You have to wake up at the time they want you to wake up, at. Your night is not yours; your day is not yours; your sleep is not yours; your eating is not yours. So how would you have any agency? People tell me, “I don’t feel like I have any self.” How would you have any self if you were raised by this monster? It makes perfect sense why you struggle with knowing what you like, what you don’t like, what you want to do, what you don’t want to do, when you want to do it, because you were never allowed to have that space, to have that freedom to choose for yourself. Your life was driven not by love and compassion but by fear, absolute terror of this narcissistic monster in your life.
14 Traits of The Nice Guy Narcissist
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