When you are with a narcissist, you have to be constantly hyper-vigilant and walk on eggshells because you do not know what will trigger them or how intensively or aggressively they will react. You learn to filter everything you say or do around them because of this unpredictability. They act on a whim and can be set off by a slight remark. But what makes them so reactive? Why are they this way?
Reason 1: They have a lot to hide.
Narcissists hide their true intentions by not wanting a bilateral give-and-take relationship but a relationship where only you give and they take. They don’t want you to express your needs or question their motives, behaviors, or actions. They want you to keep giving, with no questions asked and no needs expressed. The moment you ask a question or raise a concern about something, it irks and irritates them. They don’t think they have to be answerable to anyone, especially you, in this context. So they react aggressively quite often to shut you down. They train you to suppress yourself and accommodate by instilling the fear of how they are going to react, no matter how nicely you put forth what you want to say. No matter how nicely you express yourself, no matter how you shape the environment and make it pleasant for them to be less reactive, they will still react and disappoint you. Why? They can’t let the truth come out, which is that they are abusing and using you. They don’t want their true selves to be known, so they wear and hide behind different masks of normalcy and even altruism. If that suits their agenda, they mix their reactivity with occasional breadcrumbs to retain you and give you false hope.
Reason 2: They have difficulty regulating their emotions.
Narcissists learn to separate themselves from their emotions at a very young age, making it very difficult for them to regulate their emotions. They keep suppressing their emotions so much that they rot in the basement of their psyche until a small thing happens and they’re aware of their rotten self again. The sole purpose behind the creation of this false self is to keep them away from their unprocessed shame and insecurities. But it doesn’t always work as per the design. A small trigger, a small reminder, and voila, you’ve got an ugly shitshow going on. That doesn’t end well, especially for you. In this context, what is crazy about this is that they never see the pattern of triggering. They never see how it is them and their trauma that create the disruption they blame you for. They build a wall around them so that no one can hurt them. But the irony is that they end up hurting everyone else. Their underdevelopment and emotional immaturity make them emotionally unintelligent. The only thing they know is how to react and terrorize people through aggression. Because anger is the easiest emotion to project and the easiest and fastest way to control the environment.
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