Isn’t it ironic that most people find peace when surrounded by their loved ones, but as a survivor of narcissistic abuse, you experience peace only when the narcissist is absent? When they are gone, when you have space to breathe, when you can finally let go and relax, it is painful. You should feel calmness in the presence of your partner, your parent, or whomever you’re deeply attached to, but it’s the opposite. This shows the level of dissatisfaction and loneliness you feel in their presence.
As a child, nothing made me happier than hearing the news of my father going away for a week or a month. My father, who was and is a malignant narcissist, used to control and torture us in all possible ways. So you can imagine, I had to walk on eggshells around him, be hyper-vigilant, and stay tuned to his emotional state to predict any fallout or incoming punishment. Back then, I couldn’t breathe at all. So whenever I got the news that he was going away for work and wouldn’t be home, I used to jump for joy literally. It used to be the happiest day ever, bigger than any celebration, any holiday, bigger than Christmas Eve, I would say. Because you can imagine, eating in peace, watching a cartoon show, and nobody shouting at you. I could simply be myself without worrying about what he’s going to do next, what he’s going to say, and how my parents are going to fight, and so on.
But let me tell you this, a child shouldn’t live their life this way. A child is supposed to be a carefree, birdlike soul that just flies all around. A child shouldn’t have to worry about, “Are my parents going to fight when I’m back from school? How is the environment going to be? What will happen next?” They shouldn’t have to be anxious all the time, panic about their parents, the situation at home, the family overall, because that makes them an anxious adult, that turns them into a warrior. I know it because that is who I was in my past, and then people used to make fun of me. “What’s wrong with you? Why are you so weak?” But nobody ever considered my history. Unfortunately, that is a type of invalidation we experience in the face of narcissistic abuse.
Continue reading on the next page
Sharing is caring!
Leave a Comment