It is very sad that as survivors of these monsters, we have to rely on these mini breaks that we get here and there. And we look forward to experiencing one, we look forward to being our true selves, yes, temporarily. But that is more than enough. That is what also trauma bonds us to our experiences. That is what makes it feel so normal, that is what makes it seem like, “Oh, we can handle this because we are getting a break here and there.” So it is tolerable. I’m talking about these breaks in the context of an adult romantic relationship. You know, when you are with a narcissist and they’re abusing you constantly, but then they leave for work or they’re gone for some reason, and you get to spend some time with your children or you can be yourself. You falsely think, “Oh, it’s fine, I can handle it because I get these gaps.” No, what you are living is a very dysfunctional life. And this is not how things should be. Most of the time, you should be at peace. Most of the time, you should be living your life the way you live it when they are gone, not the opposite. Just because you get that relief, that respite from chaos, does not mean it’s okay to stay or that you can handle it. It is still toxic. It’s like you are in a war zone, and they give you some break from the battle for an hour or so, let’s say for a week, whatever. It does not change the fact that you’re still in a war zone, in a battlefield, and you can die, you are still at risk. So your fundamental goal and objective should be to leave and never look back.
Taking you back into a glimpse of my childhood again, my father used to notice this behavioral shift in me and our children. He used to point out our happiness that we would feel upon hearing that he is going to go away, and that would trigger him, that would trigger his shame and his anger, and he would taunt us. “Yeah, you should celebrate because now I’m going away.” Instead of asking, “What am I doing that terrifies them of being around me? Do I need to change something in myself? These are my children, they should be happy about spending time with me.” But instead, he would choose to blame us and make it seem like we want him to die and we want to have it all, instead of reflecting and considering the possibility to change. Being a master manipulator that he is, he would try to destroy our temporary happiness by randomly showing up without notice. He would try to catch us off guard, cooking different kinds of meals, doing our own stuff. And then, whenever he would be able to do it successfully, he would humiliate us. He would put us down and say all sorts of nonsense. “I know you want me to be gone. I do everything for the family and you’re happy without me. I don’t understand, am I a monster? Am I a demon? Why are you so scared of me? It seems like when I come back, you see not me, but the angel of death.” And that was true, that is how we felt in his presence. Instead of being ashamed of himself and feeling remorse for making us feel that way, he would secretly enjoy having an excuse to abuse us, to shut us down, and to make it seem like we want him to be gone without a reason. That is who they are.
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