Let’s talk about the “cool girl” paradigm, shall we? Let’s talk about the cool girl in the relationship. You know what I’m talking about – the idea that it’s cool to just go along with everything, be easy, go with the flow. My friend calls it “easy breezy.” I’m being easy breezy. Okay, apologies here at the top – it’s very gendered to call it a cool girl, but this theme, this literal term “cool girl,” shows up a lot in clients I have who have used this term, and I’ve been hearing it for years. Yes, we could expand it to be “cool people” or just “be cool,” but more often than not, I have run into this in the person who identifies as needing to be the cool girl. Okay, so I hope that makes sense, and that’s where that usage of “cool girl” is coming from.
So, let’s go back to this idea of the cool girl. The cool girl is a girl who’s too cool for expectations in the relationship. The cool girl is okay with putting up with stuff that makes her uncomfortable because talking about being uncomfortable, that’s not cool. Cool girls don’t have issues. Cool girls don’t have needs. Cool girls are independent and can take care of all that themselves. Cool girls, or cool people, have remarkable restraint. They can hold themselves back from texting back for weeks or sending a text wondering where a person went because it wouldn’t be cool. But in the meantime, they’re obsessing about why the other person isn’t getting back to them. So, a lot of time and mental bandwidth can get wasted in the process of being a so-called cool girl.
You want to know who loves cool girls? Narcissistic people, regardless of their gender. This whole idea of the cool girl, cool person, just be cool, call it whatever you want, thing has been burbling up for a long time. It’s interesting – the concept of the cool girl was first codified in 1995 with books like “The Rules” where the rules were, “Be cool, don’t call them.” Nowadays, it’s “Don’t text them, just be an inert cool girl object with no needs, and maybe they will chase me and want me because I’m so enticing and I’m cool and I’m not just giving in.” This stuff is narcissism chum in the water because game-playing in relationships is the narcissistic person’s bread and butter. They want games, they want the thrill of the hunt, they want the pursuit, and above all, they want the win.
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