Being unkind to strangers.
In other words, they lack empathy, and this is one of the ways it shows up in the early stages of getting to know them. They’re being real nice to you, but not so nice to others, especially anyone they perceive to be beneath them. This should be obvious to you, as they hold others in contempt and with unprovoked and unwarranted disdain. When you encounter anyone in any area of your life who is targeting either you or anyone else with unprovoked and unwarranted contempt and disdain, there’s a Surefire sign that you’re dealing with someone who lands on the spectrum of destructive narcissism. Healthy people don’t go around looking for reasons to target others.
Healthy people don’t need to prop themselves up with a false sense of superiority by looking down their nose at everyone else while judging and criticizing and coming up with reasons as to why everyone is beneath them. So, anyone who shows up in any area of your life targeting you or anyone else in front of you with contempt, stay beware. Chances are good you’re dealing with someone with a destructive narcissistic personality pattern, to some degree, if not a large degree. The truth is, if they demonstrate a lack of empathy for others, you’ll inevitably be on the receiving end of the same. It’s just a question of time. And a word of warning: do not be fooled by the narcissist and their ability to demonstrate what I call “selective empathy,” like, for example, in the case of how they treat their scapegoated child as compared to their golden child or grandchild, or how they behave toward the generally accepted family scapegoat in the larger dysfunctional family system as compared to how they behave toward their own children. Many of you know exactly what I’m talking about. The bottom line is, when you see a lack of genuine empathy or what would otherwise be natural healthy remorse, that is a huge red flag. Do not make excuses for them and lie to yourself about that.
They get defensive and attempt to gaslight you or attack you outright when you set a boundary, usually a boundary you feel the need to set in the spirit of self-preservation and self-care. As I often say, if you want to know who and what you’re dealing with, draw a line in the sand; set a really clear boundary. Relatively healthy people will have no issue respecting your boundaries; rather, they’ll appreciate the clarity, and they’ll likely even demonstrate some level of empathy for your feelings around the need to set the boundary. Narcissists, on the other hand, will show you exactly who they are and what little respect they have for you, your comfort, and your feelings when you dare set a boundary that pushes up against their own preferences or lack of fundamental decency and lack of boundaries of their own.
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