The second part of the strict strategy, T, stands for Temper your emotions. When it comes to fighting a narcissist, you fight them on two fronts: internal and external. It all starts from the internal front. You cannot fight a narcissist if you are reactive, if your emotions are unmanageable, if you are angry, or if there is unresolved resentment and pain. They will intentionally drag you into a battlefield that they have manipulated, and you are doomed to fail because they will make you react. They will say things to trigger you, and you will react, losing the battle because narcissists want control. It doesn’t matter if you react positively or negatively; as long as you react, the game is in their hands. So, you have to work on your internal healing. You have to learn how to stay in a calm, regulated, relaxed state. You need to know how to think strategically when facing a narcissist, instead of just acting on impulses.
The third part of the strict strategy, R, stands for Recognize the tactics. Narcissists have patterns to their behavior. They use certain tactics depending on the type they are—covert, overt, malignant, grandiose—to try to punish you. You have to become objective, which is only possible when you have worked on your internal front. Once you are in control of your emotions, you have to observe how they are trying to attack you. Are they using your children against you? Are they running a smear campaign? What are their tactics? What are the points of maximum risk? Once you recognize your enemy, they no longer stay an enemy. Awareness is the key to change. You have to observe if they are guilt-tripping you, using your sense of obligation against you, or if they are weaponizing your empathy. Recognizing their tactics and the different ways they try to attack you is crucial before you can do something about it.
The fourth part of the strict strategy, I, stands for Ignore attention-seeking behavior. Your attention is fuel for the narcissist. When co-parenting, they love knowing they are still in your life and cannot see you growing beyond them. They might send a long email berating you or making subtle remarks to make you feel bad. You have to ignore all of that and focus on the thing that matters. If a part of the email asks when you will pick up or drop off the child, answer that and ignore the rest. Don’t get involved in their circus. If they run a smear campaign, do not justify, defend, or explain yourself. Those who truly want to be in your life will seek clarification from you and judge based on that. Ignore their attention-seeking behavior and process any trauma or anxiety they cause in therapy or with a supportive friend, but do not show them they are affecting you.
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