If you’ve ever been loved before and you’ve also gotten involved with a narcissist, whatever kind of relationships these were, you know that it’s very, very different. A relationship with a narcissist is going to be very intense, good and bad, and it’s also going to be very chaotic. And if you find this appealing, you have probably experienced narcissists before, and you may have confused addiction, codependency, and chaos with love. And unfortunately, this fits perfectly with the way the narcissist loves. The narcissist’s so-called love is just intensity, which is all it is. It’s chaos; it’s intensity. And if you don’t know what you’re looking at, that can make it feel like you need to be with this person. So ultimately, if you’re ever feeling like you are addicted to a person, like you do not have the strength to walk away from a person, that is a relationship to look very closely at to see what’s going on there.
They actually need you to care.
Apathy is like kryptonite to the narcissist. And one of the worst things that a narcissist can feel is insignificance. They need you in order to feel significant, and they need to feel significant in order to validate their false persona. So they are going to act like they don’t care about you all day, every day. But they need you to care about them. And the reason they’re acting like they don’t care about you is to get an emotional reaction out of you. And that’s also the reason why they’ll push your buttons. So if you start acting like you don’t care, that’s when they’re going to start trying to push your buttons.
So do whatever you can to suppress those emotional reactions, because when you share an emotional reaction with a narcissist, essentially what you’re doing is opening the door. You’re opening the door to deeper levels of yourself and essentially letting that narcissist in. Keep the door closed by keeping your emotional reactions in check, and the narcissist will have a lot more trouble finding ways to hurt you.
They don’t see you as any worse or better than anyone else.
Really, narcissists kind of hate everyone, and everyone is on the same level, and they’re just kind of above them. The only exception is when they’re actively idealizing someone, and that someone could be you. So this is going on: they may think that you’re better than someone else, or if they’re triangulating you with someone else that they happen to be idealizing, then they, in that moment, may think that that person is better. But that’s really the only exception. And narcissists do very much triangulation when they don’t care about any of the players involved.
The reason narcissists triangulate is simply to hurt you, to get an emotional reaction out of you, and to get you to try harder for their affection. So don’t fall for it; even if they are idealizing someone else, it really doesn’t matter because it’s not going to last. And when they’re trying to triangulate you, they’re essentially putting someone else above you, and this happens in family situations where a narcissistic parent will triangulate children against each other. Sometimes it’s one child exclusively, and sometimes the person on the pedestal changes from moment to moment.
In reality, this is all manipulation, and the narcissist doesn’t really care who’s the best or who’s the worst because everybody’s the same in their eyes. It comes from a deep loathing of themselves because how we see the world around us is a reflection of what’s going on inside. And this, on the flip side, is why self-love is so important because when you truly, truly love yourself, you’re going to see love reflected in the world around you.
They can be vengeful and seemingly loving at the same time.
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