Why a Relationship With a Narcissist Hurts So Much

Psychologist Sam Vaknin has put forth the idea that narcissists engage their partners in a “double motherhood” cycle. As Vaknin explains, at the beginning of a relationship, narcissists surround their partner with unconditional love (or rather, skillfully create such an illusion).

Usually, only a mother loves her child unconditionally, and even that’s not always true. The feeling that you are loved and accepted for who you are is amazing (especially if you have not experienced it before). Feeling unconditional love and acceptance also allows you to love yourself (finally).

Narcissists revert the person they’re taming to the psychological state of a little child, inspiring complete trust and affection like a baby has for a loving mother. The narc instills the idea in their partner: “I will take care of you like the best mommy in the world if you become a ‘mother’ for me too”⁠ — and the object of the love bombing has a sincere desire to care about the narcissist in response. And then the narc takes away all their love.

After that the victim is not just lost⁠ — they have psychologically become an orphan! And suffers as much as a child who has lost their mother. And in addition, as a parent who has lost their little child! This is why parting with narcissists is so painful, even if you remember their terrible behavior very well.

That is why it is so difficult to leave and forget the narcissist and this feeling of unconditional acceptance and care, which no one else has given to you. Yes, starting a relationship with the narcissist was magical. But alas, all this was only an imitation of true love in order to bind their resource to themself. For the sake of taming and using you.

Don’t forget, too, that breaking up with narcissists always means breaking a trauma bond. Sometimes it is harder than getting rid of heroin addiction! However, you can do it! But the longer the relationship with the toxic personality, the more difficult it will be to break this trauma bond.

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