All of these things can be layered in with passive aggression. Generally speaking, I wouldn’t advocate for active aggression because it can be called out. If you are actively aggressive, they can screenshot that and show their friends, and someone outside of the shared fantasy space, maybe a therapist or mentor, can help them escape the situation. So be very careful and judicious when using active aggression. Passive aggression, on the other hand, is much more powerful because it’s harder to call out and easier to deny. Some things can be written via text in a tone that is passive-aggressive. If you are called out on it and you say, “Look at what it says here,” but change your inflection, it can sound completely innocent. So, it’s much easier to worm your way out of passive aggression if you’re ever called out for it. Use passive aggression, not active aggression, in your texts as much as you can.
Remember that any communication with a narcissist is an opportunity to abuse and exploit. If you can reduce contact, do it as much as you can. If they’re texting you, text fewer words when you reply. Don’t engage. Abandon sincere communication when you’re communicating with the insincere. Don’t give them an authentic emotional response or any real information. Gray rock is the best way.
No contact is the best thing to do, but it’s not always practical. If you’re in a shared parenting or custody situation, we would usually advocate for more of a gray rock type of approach. Be dull, boring, and on-mission with whatever the facts are or whatever you need from them, such as money or showing up to court. Keep it non-responsive, don’t give them any oxygen. Your emotional pain and reactions are the oxygen they feed from. So keep it bland, reduce contact as much as possible, and don’t play the game the way they want you to play it.
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