Another example of the drastic contrast between a covert narcissist’s public life and private life is their use of selective targeting. Publicly, this narcissist presents a facade of complete fairness and equality. They model behavior that appears to treat everyone fairly, whether it’s their friends, their children, their extended family members, or anyone else. However, in the unfortunate event that you unknowingly produce a narcissistic injury in them, then you better watch out. No one holds a grudge like a covert narcissist, and if you upset them, like all narcissists, they will seek some form of revenge. This is where their selective targeting of someone they are displeased with becomes activated. This could manifest as spreading nasty rumors about the person they are angry with, which could include real information this person told them in confidence or just complete lies. Most times, they will present this information to the people they are trying to influence as concern based out of love, when nothing could be further from the truth. They’ll present the smear of their targets in this way to not give their cover away, making it look as if they are just worried and concerned about this person whom they care so deeply about, rather than being cruel and manipulative. Another way this could present itself is through sabotaging an important opportunity for this person. For example, they may try to undermine their chances of a promotion or destroy a work project or presentation. Sometimes, this will manifest as social isolation, where they work very hard behind the scenes to turn this person’s family, friends, or colleagues against them. Triangulation is a favorite tactic of the covert narcissist. In the context of a romantic relationship, they may suddenly start withholding love, affection, intimacy, or emotional support from their partner until they comply with whatever it is that the narcissist wants. Unfortunately, covert narcissists have supernatural levels of commitment to their agendas, so this type of manipulative behavior could go on for days, weeks, months, or even years in extreme cases.
Another very common discrepancy between a covert narcissist’s public image and their behavior behind closed doors is their emotional instability and mood swings, and how they use these to get what they want. In public, and in front of people who know this narcissist in their community, they usually believe the narcissist is the epitome of stability. People have seen the narcissist respond to different situations with incredible composure. It’s not uncommon for people to believe that the narciss
ist acts with impeccable class and grace in public. However, in private, behind closed doors, they live on an emotional rollercoaster and subject everyone in their household to massive mood swings and emotional outbursts. When they feel safe and away from people they deem as important, they alternate between affection and extreme anger or withdrawal to keep their family members on edge. This makes them much more compliant to adhere to the narcissist’s wishes. They also use threats of abandonment, making threats of divorce or leaving the family, as another manipulation tactic to get their way. They guilt-trip family members, oscillating between intense affection and cold detachment to make their family members feel guilty for real or imagined wrongdoings. They also use emotional blackmail, where the narcissist might even threaten to self-harm or pretend to have some kind of emotional breakdown to make their family comply with their wishes. This extreme emotional instability puts immense pressure on the family and conditions them to do whatever they can on a daily basis to prevent these outbursts. People who only know their public persona have no clue that this is who this person really is.
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