We’ve all heard horror stories about narcissists but what are the signs you’re in a relationship with a narcissist? Counselor April Kirkwood explains
Getting involved with a narcissist is like dancing with the devil in the pale moon light. You don’t see the horns, you don’t realize he is red, and you think that pitchfork is some kind of swanky, oversized utensil. By the light of day, though, the picture starts to come into focus.
It’s difficult to identify a true narcissist. For me, I caught on almost too late to spare myself from this person who suffered from a pathological life-long personality disorder. It took years for me to understand that the rules of love didn’t apply and that this relationship was a disaster to my mind, body, and soul.
If you have ever watched a Narcissist in action, you understand the pain that they can inflict on themselves and others. They live by their words and by what they say. They cannot stand criticism. They will do what it takes to make sure that other people only know about the positive characteristics of their life and forget all about the negative.
Here are the 11 signs you’re dating a narcissist. In the story below we have used ‘he’ to describe the narcissist, but the characteristics can also apply to women in same-sex relationships.
1. It’s very easy for them to become enamored with someone.
When you meet this type of person, you will soon realize that their eyes are fixated on you. They don’t seem to realize that there are many other people out there that have as much in life as they do.
2. They will often brag about their achievements but only on themselves.
They will downplay the importance of others. This is because they feel they are the most important person here. They will spend almost every waking moment of their lives complaining about how unfair life is to them. Of course, the people around them will notice these things and they will become upset by such behavior.
3. They have problems with rejection.
They cannot handle rejection. If something doesn’t work out between them and a person, they become enraged and upset. If they have an important opportunity, they won’t waste any time in making it happen. They will use all of their resources to make that event a failure.
4. They do not admit obstacles.
They believe that any problem can be solved easily. Their perception of life is that problems can be overlooked. If something looks like a problem that can be easily solved, they will eliminate it from their list of problems and moves on to the next one. The key is not being afraid of obstacles. In fact, many times those obstacles really aren’t problems at all.
5. They lack empathy.
Narcissistic people love to criticize others. They see things as the personification of their own inadequacies. They don’t see the connection between what they think is lacking in their lives and what the people around them actually have to go through.
6. They do not admit responsibility in relationships.
The world is just a place to them where they can control others. They cannot see how their actions have consequences outside their relationship with their partners. They see people as objects to be discarded and do not take responsibility for their own actions.
7. They are envious
An envious person is obsessed with the things that other people have. They think they are better than everyone else, and they spend their entire life trying to collect what they can from other people. They are attracted to people who have money, success, beauty, and other such traits, and they detest people who have none of these things. This may sound like an odious thing to many, but being envious is an
an important quality of a Narcissist.
8. Narcissists cannot stand independent thought.
They cannot stand critical analysis and doubt. They cannot stand the doubt and will try to shut down your thoughts with criticism or ridicule. They have no use for independent ideas and value confirmation from those who will validate their beliefs. They are weak and will not admit that they are wrong about what they say or do.
9. They do not stand intelligence
A critic is someone who doubts your intelligence, and your intelligence is definitely something that a Narcissist cannot stand in any way. Criticizing you shows that you aren’t as smart as they are, and it’s evidence that you are not the most capable person in the room. When someone points out something that you’re doing wrong, all you can think about is how stupid and useless that person is, and how lucky
you are to have them for a friend. It’s like a vicious cycle, but one that only gets worse for the Narcissist.
10. They do not stand fear
Fear. This is probably the most overlooked of the 11 things that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder can’t stand in their life. Fear of you as a person is the worst. You have to believe that you are great before you can believe that you are good. It takes a lot of hard work to create something that everyone thinks is amazing.
Another example would be the fear of failure. Do you think that people will look down on you if you fail? I would be hard-pressed to think that you have any self-respect. How many people have the belief that they can’t fail? They won’t let anything stop them from doing what they need to do in order to get there.
11. They do not stand insecurity
They feel insecure in knowing they can’t live up to everyone’s expectations. That they may not be successful, that other people don’t care about them like they do, that they may not find their life interesting… And just generally feeling that they can’t live up to the expectations of others.
So, when dealing with Narcissists, you must understand all these things. Deal with them accordingly. Don’t ignore them. Don’t put them down. Now, finally, when you are doing your dealings with these folks – understand that they can be dealt with constructively if you approach them in the right manner.
How to deal with narcissists requires a willingness to not engage in the acts of desperation that can come when you are desperate for attention. Remember, a narcissist does not need your validation and approval. They will always get what they want by acting like they do not need any validation. When you know how to deal with narcissists, you will be able to stay calm and keep yourself from being drawn into their grasp.
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