Why does the narcissist LOVE the “COOL GIRL”?

So, let’s say you get to the point where you can’t keep doing cool anymore. You just can’t do it. You can’t sit back and let the attractive people posting on their social media go. You can’t let it go. You can’t let the late-night shady texts that they’re getting go. You can’t keep letting them get away with the drinks with the attractive person or the dinner out with someone that makes you uncomfortable, and you finally bring it up. Cool girl leaves the house, and in fact, your reaction may be stronger than you want because that doesn’t feel cool, right? Because you’ve bottled it up for so long.

Well, you know what happens then? They gaslight you and tell you that you are out of your mind and crazy, and then they say, “What, you’re just bringing this up now for the first time? What’s your problem?” Those of you who’ve been in these relationships have been to this rodeo before, and you know how this goes. Because by definition, a narcissistic relationship is a place where you cannot be you, you cannot express wants, needs, disagreements, discomforts. So, the whole cool person trope plays into that model perfectly. You think you’re being cool, you’re keeping it cool, and that it’s attractive. But the dynamic that they want is just being met by you being cool – you have no demands or wants that are being voiced, so everything moves at their pace. It’s narcissist heaven.

But unfortunately, that’s never going to translate into a good relationship. Instead, it will translate into something where you will be taken for granted even more quickly than someone in a narcissistic relationship, if that was even possible. Here’s the facts, folks: we as human beings have psychological histories – things happened to us, trauma, neglect, adversity, abandonment, betrayal, infidelity, abuse, and just life, and all of it affects us – how we think, how we relate, it affects our nervous system. These histories can undercut our sense of trust and our sense of safety, depending on what’s happened to us.

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