Hoovering can be very harmful. Narcissists use myths and distortions to deceive you and manipulate you for their own gain. It reinforces the narcissistic bullying you’ve been used to. You may be quickly swayed by false promises, words, fear, or threats if you don’t go along, or you may succumb to guilt and blame because you’ve been made to feel too unworthy and fortunate to have your ex back in your life because of the previous relationship dynamic. Trauma-bonding increases the isolation, making it incredibly difficult to escape an abuser.
Ignoring hovering is the only way to deal with it. No touch protects you while still assisting you with your recovery from a divorce. This means not looking at your ex’s pictures or social media pages. A narcissist can increase their hoovering, and then lose interest after a while, only to reappearance when they are in need a year or more later.
If you must talk, for example, because you share business or children, become a “grey rock.” A narcissist has no reason to approach you romantically as a result of this. Just speak in writing if possible. Stick to the subject, be brief and impersonal, and don’t laugh or smile at their jokes or attempts to flirt or cajole you.
Avoid romanticizing your ex or idealizing the relationship. Protect your mind from falling for phony signs of passion, seduction, or deception about you and your relationship. Remember your dissatisfaction and any threats you’ve received.
It’s important to separate the facts from the lies so that you can restore your faith in yourself and avoid doubting your own perceptions. Refuse to be swayed by historical revisionism. Make up a lie about what happened and why you were upset.
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