A significant reason why a narcissist may cheat is their fear of intimacy. They view intimacy as codependence, like a slow strangulation, and see it as stripping them of their freedom. Relationships with narcissists are usually intense, especially in the beginning, but intensity is very different from intimacy. So, when they are in a committed relationship, it becomes a threatening and uncomfortable situation for them, and cheating and affairs serve to alleviate those fears and overwhelming feelings of being tied down to another person, which they see as making them less than average and boring. Additionally, narcissists are fixated on sexual gratification rather than establishing and nurturing intimacy with a partner.
The fifth reason why narcissists cheat is that they despise routine. They crave excitement and easily get bored. Having an affair or cheating introduces risk and excitement into what they view as an average, boring, mundane existence. Having a routine can cause depression in narcissists, so cheating and maintaining a double life is incredibly appealing to them. However, the problem is that the new exciting affair eventually becomes routine as well, and it starts to make them feel average again. As a result, their destructive behavior usually increases over time.
You might be wondering, “Why doesn’t the narcissist just leave me if I’m so boring and routine? Why do they fight to keep me when I find out about their affairs, promise me they won’t do it again, and claim they can’t live without me? Why do they continue to hurt and harm me by cheating?” Well, the reason is that narcissists have conflicting desires. They both crave and loathe intimacy, stability, and security. Their internal attachment style is an approach-avoidance style, where they desire a committed relationship, but when it starts to become a reality, they panic and switch to an avoidance attachment style. It’s like an unending cycle of wanting and repelling, saying yes to intimacy and stability, and then saying no because it scares them and makes them feel average, and then saying yes again because they want it, and so on and so forth.
Another factor to consider when understanding why narcissists cheat is that they lack the ability to feel empathy and compassion for others. While they may know that their behavior is wrong and understand right from wrong, they simply don’t have the capacity to care. They cannot put themselves in their partner’s shoes and understand the pain and anguish they are causing. This is why they continuously treat others poorly. Remember the three E’s when trying to understand a narcissist: they are entitled, lack empathy, and are exploitative. Cheating and having affairs are part of their genetic makeup, as you cannot teach someone empathy; they either have it or they don’t. Narcissists lack the moral compass that prevents them from harming and hurting others, which means that their destructive behavior is unlikely to change.
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