Another fact that most people would be shocked to know about this narcissist is that they are famous for utilizing scapegoating and blame shifting to manipulate and control the people in their lives. Publicly, these covert narcissists appear to be reasonable problem solvers. However, behind closed doors, they are anything but that. Like all narcissists, they want to escape any form of accountability or responsibility for anything they view as negative, but they don’t want to modify their behavior to avoid doing things that are wrong or abusive. Instead, they unfairly blame and scapegoat specific family members as the responsible party, diverting attention from the fact that they are the actual responsible party. They frequently set unrealistic expectations for specific family members, demanding perfection and unattainable goals. When the family member fails to meet these absurd expectations, the narcissist blames and ridicules them for these perceived shortcomings. They also project their own flaws and mistakes onto the scapegoated family member, accusing this family member of having the same issues they themselves struggle with, positively shifting the blame. Another common control tactic of the covert narcissist that most people never witness is their use of isolation. In public, they appear welcoming, friendly, and sociable. However, behind closed doors, they work very hard to keep their targets isolated from their support systems. They do this because they know that by limiting outside influences and support, they can maintain a tighter grip on their victims. For example, if a person is in a romantic relationship with the covert narcissist, they may start planting seeds that their family and friends are untrustworthy, disloyal, or just bad people who they shouldn’t be around. Another way they isolate their victims is by undermining their confidence in themselves. They gradually erode the victim’s confidence and self-esteem by criticizing their abilities, appearance, and worth. This makes the victim more dependent on the narcissist for validation and approval, which is the narcissist’s goal. They also isolate their victims by discouraging their interests and hobbies, actively trying to reduce opportunities for them to engage with other people who share those same interests. However, in public, they behave in the exact opposite way and portray themselves as completely supportive of their partner, encouraging them to pursue their dreams.
Next, a significant aspect of covert narcissists is their portrayal of having the highest ethics and values. It’s not uncommon for these narcissists to be regular attendees at church in their communities. Most times, they try to present an image of being highly devoted to their marriage, raising their children, and being a hands-on parent who adores their family. They try to present an image that they are the most loving and devoted family man or woman who always puts their family and the needs of their children first. But at home, when they’re away from the eyes of the outside world, their behavior is completely different. Covert narcissists, like all narcissists, are addicted to narcissistic supply, which involves feeling special and wanting to be treated as if they are superior to everyone else. Unfortunately, many times their need for attention and narcissistic supply will manifest in the form of extramarital affairs, repeatedly cheating on their spouse or partner using dating sites. It’s not uncommon for these narcissists to have a pornography addiction or a drug or alcohol abuse problem. However, they are the same people who demonize and judge the lives of others who behave in the same way or struggle with the same issues. Covert narcissists are the world’s biggest hypocrites who present a walking, talking illusion of who they pretend to be, an image that has no basis in reality. These people aren’t good and loyal spouses, loving and concerned parents, trustworthy and loyal friends. They practice nothing of what they preach.
Finally, covert narcissists publicly present themselves as open-minded and extremely interested in the viewpoints and opinions of others. However, in private, they display what I call intellectual superiority, meaning they dismiss, ridicule, and belittle the ideas and opinions of other people, including family members and even their own children.
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