I could see that he was trying, and occasionally I would let him know, but for the most part I kept being a huge bitch to him for any and all reasons that I could think of. I’m not sure how much more the man could have done to make me happy besides finding a job that paid enough for me to not have to work at all. He said that he was looking, but looking and finding are two different things. It was around this time that I discovered this group and a few others. I started posting things about him from my perspective only, and I got so much positive feedback for how I was feeling that I knew I was right. The more I posted, the more validation I got. It wasn’t just me who knew that XH wasn’t worth keeping around. I had the whole internet telling me how terrible he is. I started saying awful things to him and even outright ignoring him. I was so confident in my and everyone else’s opinions that I contacted a lawyer and, within a couple weeks, had filed for divorce. I continued to use this site and a couple others to validate my feelings and for encouragement to go through with it, and finally it was done.
It went pretty smoothly. XH didn’t ask for much besides to not get divorced and to try to work it all out. I didn’t care about that, though. He was broken, but I was free. I could do whatever I wanted without having to feel any guilt or answer to anyone. It was an amazing feeling of freedom. It didn’t last long, though. In the first month after he moved out, I missed garbage day three times. There was also rarely a single clean dish, and the laundry sat in piles for so long that I had to start doing the sniff test to see if it could be worn again. I also never saw my kids more miserable. My oldest had seen some of the messages from the other guy months earlier, and she knew that XH still wanted to try to work it out. It didn’t take her long to stop talking to me at all except to say that she wanted to go to XH’s house. The others all told me that they wanted to live with XH too. I did my best to try to make them happy, but I ended up just buying them toys all the time, and the happiness only lasted minutes. I was also having a lot of trouble with work. Being alone, I couldn’t work all those extra hours that I was expected to. I finally gave in and started calling XH to watch the kids. He would always come over as soon as he could, and he always asked me if I needed anything. When I would get home, I would find clean dishes, laundry, and even dinner sometimes. He would never say too much after I got home. He would just tell me to call him if I needed anything and leave. One night he took out the garbage and brought it to the curb because it was garbage night, and I forgot again. He always looked so sad when it was time to go.
Finally, after a couple months, my friends convinced me to go out on a date. It was for dinner and a movie, and I was excited and hopeful, but at dinner I started getting a feeling of overwhelming guilt. It got so bad that I ended up not even going to the movie. A week and about a million tears later, I was on a therapist’s couch. I told her everything that had happened, starting with the promotion that I got at work. She did not agree with me or with any of the encouragement to divorce that I got. I ended up in her office 2 and sometimes 3 times a week, and the more that I talked to prove that I was right, the more that I started to see how wrong I was. It was truly heartbreaking. I don’t know if I cried as much in my whole life as I did in the first month in her office. After about two thousand dollars of therapy sessions, I learned that my XH had his faults, but I figured out that mine were so much worse. I did so many awful things and said awful things that I wouldn’t want him to be with me, but he did. I still remember him asking me in the meeting with the lawyer to please not go through with it. I did go through with it, though, and then later I bragged on here how great it felt. I was so wrong, and now I can see it.
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