This one is long, but worth it for everyone to read.
If I could give anyone a piece of advice for divorce, it would be to not do it under normal circumstances. If your spouse is beating you or threatening you or your children, then, of course, get out fast.
In my case, there was no abuse. We were together for 8 years, which was mostly good, and we have 4 kids. Right around 5 years old, I got a promotion at work, and I got it in my head that my XH was dragging me down, or at least holding me back from more success and a better life. We never had a lot of money, but with my promotion, I was now making more than he was. I started working longer hours, and at the same time, his hours were cut, so he was at home more. I really began to resent him because he was home and because he got to spend time with our kids. Most nights when I got home, they were already getting ready for bed, if not already sleeping. After a few months at my new job, it was clear to me that things were not going well at home without me there. Some nights the dishes weren’t done when I got home, or the kids hadn’t eaten, or whatever else I could think of to be mad at him about. It really didn’t matter. He kept saying that he would try harder but that it was hard being home all the time. That always made me really mad.
For the next couple years, things kept getting worse. My hours weren’t any shorter, and his were on and off fulltime. There was no convenient time for him to be working full time because of my hours, but we also needed the money. Whenever he would tell me that he could get extra hours, I would always complain, and the fewer hours he worked, the more I complained that he wasn’t bringing in enough money. Whenever he brought up the contradiction, I would tell him that he needed to figure it out. I knew that it would bother him, so I started saying that a lot and for everything that I could. I really started to resent him, and I pulled away from him. I knew that it was hurting him, but I didn’t care. If he didn’t want to be hurt, then he would at least try to make me happy. I used that same thing to justify talking to another guy at work. I thought he was just a friend, but talking at work turned into texting at home, then pictures and videos, and then trying to sneak some alone time with him. I knew that it was wrong, but it made me feel so alive, and my husband had not made me feel like that in years. I was tired of being unhappy, and I was doing this for myself. The worst was the night that I came home at a reasonable time and found that he had cleaned the whole house, cooked the whole family dinner, and picked out a movie for all of us to watch together. This would have made me swoon a couple years earlier, but that night I couldn’t even look at him, and I pretended to be sick. I spent the rest of the night in bed while he waited on me, checked on me, and even made me different food and brought it to me in bed. It made me feel terrible, and then it made me angry that he made me feel that way, and by the end of the night I was texting with the other guy.
Unraveling the Peculiarities of My Divorce Journey
Over the next month or two after that night, it did not matter what he did. He was wrong just for breathing most days. He would get so upset with how I was treating him, and I would just wait and egg him on into losing it because I knew it would happen eventually. After most of the fights we had, he would apologize for whatever I told him he did wrong, if there even was something, but I never did. I would usually find a way to make him feel even worse. I knew that I was right because he was wrong, and that was all that mattered to me. I even pretended that I didn’t care when he found out about my relationship with the guy from work. It really destroyed me inside to see him holding back tears, but I wasn’t going to let him see that. He was at his weakest, and that was when I chose to tell him that I wanted a divorce. I could almost hear his heart shattering inside his chest. He talked and fought and said that we could work through it together. I really wasn’t interested in fixing our marriage, but I mostly ended things with the other guy because I knew I could get it back if I wanted it.
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