Number two: remain non-reactive.
Do not, under any circumstances, show emotion. And whatever you do, stop reacting to their provocations at all costs. Whatever it takes, the goal is to keep your emotions in check, to remain calm, cool, collected, and rational, as rational as humanly possible. To remain as level-headed as you can possibly manage, to be in total control of what you do and what you say around the narcissist. Is this easy? No. Can it be done? Absolutely. And if you want to take your power back by confusing the narcissist, it’s a good way to go.
Number three: refuse to gossip with them.
Narcissists love to gossip. They love to tear down whoever happens to not be in the room or is just out of earshot. And they’ll say whatever it takes to diminish, demean, and poison the perception of others toward just about anyone, but especially anyone they find threatening in any way, anyone who triggers their feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, anyone who triggers their envy and jealousy, anyone who might have something good going for them or good things happening in their life. So a very effective way to confuse a narcissist is to absolutely refuse to engage in their favorite pastime. When they start gossiping, say nothing or better yet, walk away. Gossip is a very destructive force. It destroys trust, relationships. It can even destroy extended families at large, and sometimes it destroys lives entirely. That’s how toxic it is. Petty, insecure, entitled toxic gossips do all kinds of damage. And what’s worse is they actually feel entitled to behave this way, to twist, distort, lie by omission, and lie outright if they think it serves them. Just for kicks, don’t participate, walk away. Because here’s what’s true: if they’re doing it with you, you’ve got to know they’re doing it to you. Do you really want to participate in that nonsense? Probably not. So be better, do better, and refuse to engage in toxic gossip with them.
Number four, my personal favorite: do not enable them.
And you can do this simply by saying no to them or by not buying into the justification and rationalization they bring to the table any time a light is shining on their appalling attitudes and behavior. We recently had an experience where one narcissistic person told us what another narcissistic person had said in our absence. It involved taking something I had said and completely distorting it for no other reason than to make me look and sound as bad as possible. Feel threatened much? Now, much to the tattletale’s surprise, my husband and I don’t just sweep this sort of thing under the rug, give liars a pass, and pretend it didn’t happen. When someone brings something to our door, we actually deal with it head-on. We’re about open lines of communication and honest adult conversations. Well, needless to say, this made the tattletale very uncomfortable because she was now in jeopardy of getting in trouble. So she started making up all kinds of excuses as to why her narciss
istic sibling would say what she said and why she is the way she is and does the things she does. And as so often happens in sick family systems, narcissistic family members enable one another, big time. And as a result, the patterns persist decade after decade, generation after generation, with untold damage being done and everyone going along with it as if this is perfectly normal and acceptable. It’s insane and hurtful and destructive. Anywho, when the justifications and rationalizations didn’t fly, the tattletale swung right into manipulation mode, tears and all, playing the victim, the victim to a situation she herself created. She brought a bucket of toxicity to our doorstep, and we weren’t getting on the enabler bus. And neither were we falling for the manipulative, but rather, we were about dealing with it like healthy, sane, rational adults. Well, suffice to say, now she’s mad at me. Seriously, can you imagine? My nerve! When you dump that nonsense in my lap, here’s a clue: don’t bring stuff to my doorstep if you don’t want it to be addressed. If you’re looking for someone to gossip with, if you’re looking for someone to enable you in your dysfunctional family, I am not your girl.
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