Dealing with a narcissist is often a bewildering experience, following a predictable yet disturbing cycle: idealization, devaluation, and the inevitable hoovering. The term “hoover” refers to a narcissist’s desperate attempt to pull you back into their orbit, a classic maneuver to replenish their emotional fuel and keep you entangled in their manipulative games. But what happens when the narcissist doesn’t hoover? Not because they’ve moved on, but because they’re ashamed?
Imagine this: you’ve ridden the rollercoaster of narcissistic love—dizzying highs of adoration followed by the crushing lows of calculated cruelty. The narcissist has used charm like a weapon, leaving you emotionally bruised and bewildered. Yet, when you expect the familiar hoover, instead, you’re met with silence. They’re not trying to lure you back; they’re actively avoiding you. This isn’t indifference—it’s shame, a powerful force even in the narcissist’s carefully constructed world.
Let’s explore this perplexing phenomenon, examining why some narcissists choose avoidance over familiar manipulation tactics. We’ll also look into how their deeply buried guilt, which they try so hard to conceal, dictates their behavior.
Understanding Shame in the Narcissistic Mind
For most people, shame is a deeply personal experience—a feeling of inadequacy, exposure, or falling short of expectations. While painful, it’s usually manageable. However, for a narcissist, shame is something else entirely. It’s not just a fleeting emotion; it’s a constant lurking threat to their fragile sense of self.
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