If you’re trying to figure out if somebody has very strong narcissistic tendencies and is far down on the narcissism spectrum, there are multiple signs to watch for. They have a high need to be in control, are not empathetic, exploitative, manipulative, and entitled. They tend to think too highly of themselves and have to feel superior. They are often thin-skinned. All of these are elements of narcissism.
However, if there’s one key indicator that signifies you’re truly dealing with a narcissist—what we might call a “ground zero” ingredient—it’s this: they refuse to take responsibility for personal and relational difficulties, plain and simple.
How many of us, including myself, make mistakes, do things wrong, or experience issues in our relationships or emotional reactions? Responsible individuals will say, “I own it; I did it; it happened. What can I do to change?” Narcissists, however, make excuses. They might say, “The reason it happened is…” or they will blame-shift: “It’s not my fault; it’s somebody else’s.” Narcissists will go into hiding, deny their actions, or defend themselves—anything but say, “I take responsibility for who I am.”
Think about how many times you’ve dealt with someone who said, “I have some real soul-searching to do.” Narcissists don’t think that way.
Now, let’s go through several key elements that are part of responsible reactions to emotional and relational difficulties. See if any of these resonate with the narcissist you deal with:
Capacity to Change: To take responsibility, you need to believe in your ability to change. Young children lack the capacity to take full responsibility because they need to learn right from wrong. However, at some point in development, individuals reach what we might call the “age of accountability.” Whether it’s at age 8, 18, or 22, you become old enough to say, “I have the capacity for change; I need to take advantage of that.” Narcissists, on the other hand, seem stuck in a toddler-like state, moving from one irresponsibility to another, almost obliviously.
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