It’s so confusing when you’re with someone who, through their actions and behaviors, regularly shows you that you don’t mean much to them or that they don’t care. But as soon as you start to ignore them, do your own thing, or focus your attention elsewhere, they try to reel you back in. This constant push and pull is what being around a narcissist is like. It’s not just with romantic partners; it can be family members, close friends, and other settings too, where you always get the feeling that they’re a bit annoyed or irritated with you. They can be a bit short with you, but as soon as your attention is focused elsewhere and you’re not their main focal point, they do something to pull you back in. A lot of times, it’s by being nice—maybe inviting you to a nice occasion or complimenting you.
When you’re unaware of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and these Cluster B traits and disorders, it can really play with your mind. You may wonder, “How can people be so incongruent with themselves in the way they treat others?” It’s no different when a narcissist discards you for good. When the narcissist essentially walks away, they act as if they no longer want you in their life.
Very often, you reach a point where it’s not just a push and pull anymore—it feels like a final push, and you feel that they are done or that you are done. However, in the narcissist’s mind, they still expect you, once they’ve discarded you and expressed no interest in having you around, to be a nuisance in the background, vying for their attention and presence. They anticipate that you will seek some form of closure from them, trying to get them to explain what you did wrong.
One common thread in all narcissistic relationships is that they like to make the other person feel like they’ve done something wrong, even though they never provide clarity or insight into what it was. This leaves the other person in a constant loop of seeking closure, unsure of what the deal is. Narcissists also have a habit of targeting weak people—those who fall into the trap of extreme neediness. If you’re someone who isn’t weak, as they expected from their past experiences, or you’re not needy, they can suddenly become confused and unsettled.
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