Number two: “That’s not my problem.” You want to say this in particular when you’re dealing with a covert narcissist because all the chaos and drama—the never-ending victim story they manufacture, create, and perpetuate—will forever be brought to your doorstep if you don’t say something with crystal-clear clarity to shut it down. So when you say, “That’s not my problem,” be sure to say it matter-of-factly. Say it like you mean it. You want to embody a detached, non-reactive, “I’m not getting sucked in, and I’m not available to be manipulated” kind of energy. In other words, “I won’t fix you, enable you, or try to rescue or save you from the problems that you yourself create and perpetuate.” And boom! Just like that, it’s over with a covert narcissist.
Number three: “I don’t owe you anything,” followed by silence. That deliberate, intentional pregnant pause is important and powerful. “I don’t owe you anything. End of story.” I don’t owe you my time, my attention, my energy, my money, or any other resource for that matter—period. I don’t owe you an explanation. I don’t owe you an answer to your incessant barrage of questions. And I certainly don’t owe you an apology for refusing to allow myself to be manipulated or exploited on any level. I answer to no one. Again, end of story. Remember, narcissists are entitled and beyond manipulative. So when you communicate succinctly and with crystal-clear clarity, “I don’t owe you anything— not my time, my energy, or any other resource,” you are declaring that you are not obliged to provide them with the resources they think they deserve. You have fully taken your power back, and it’s game over for the narcissist.
Number four: “No.” Seriously, “no” is a full and complete sentence, and many of you need to learn how to say it and mean it. One beautiful and glorious word: “No.” And then silence—let the silence speak for itself. The truth is, narcissists aren’t very good at taking “no” for an answer. Those of you who have been dealing with these toxic emotional manipulators know full well they don’t just give up and roll over, suddenly beginning to respect your wants, needs, preferences, wishes, desires, or your healthy limits and boundaries. So, you might have to repeat yourself—that’s true. But when the narcissist tests you on repeat, refusing to take “no” for an answer, simply say, “I’ve already given you my answer,” and let the silence speak for itself. Easier said than done sometimes, for sure, but I promise you this: a little practice goes a long way. Add to that some real healing and recovery work specific to codependency and narcissistic abuse, and it gets a whole lot easier. Remember, “no” is a full and complete sentence. Learn how to say it like you mean it and back yourself once you do.
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