The Undeniable Sign You’re Dealing with a Covert Narcissist
You’ve been there. They might tell you they’re struggling at work, and you sit down to brainstorm solutions, even typing out a plan. You recognize that they are exhausted and overwhelmed, so you book a therapy session, offer to go with them, and help with the costs. You try to motivate them and push them gently forward, only to watch them go cold, pull back, or change the subject. They act as if your solution doesn’t quite fit, and they may even become irritated, defensive, or dismissive. Why? Because solving the problem was never the point; keeping you hooked was.
The moment the problem is solved, what happens to your role? It disappears. You are no longer needed. You are no longer the “good one,” and that is their deepest fear: losing the upper hand. So they keep the problem alive by rejecting the solution over and over again. This pattern does not just happen once; it becomes a rhythm in your relationship with them. The message it sends deep into your subconscious is this: your love is measured by how hard you work to fix my chaos.
You become hyper-vigilant, walking on eggshells, knowing they’ll rage if you don’t. Their silence feels like punishment, and their disappointment makes you feel worthless. Every time they bring you a problem, you drop everything, show up, and give your all—only to hear them sigh and say, “Yeah, but that won’t work for me.” It’s subtle, insidious, and deeply traumatizing.
I didn’t only grow up in a home filled with shouting or chaos—because my father was a malignant narcissist—but also in a home where I was always solving problems that never got solved. Every day felt like an emotional maze. My mother would come to me with issues—money problems, family drama, health concerns—and I would rush to help. I would research, stay up late thinking, and try to be enough. But it didn’t matter what I did; she always had a reason why it wouldn’t work, a way to spin it, reject it, or make me feel like I didn’t understand her deeply enough.
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