If you’ve spent any significant time with a narcissist, you know they have a strong need to maintain control over you. It’s as if they’ve already decided how you’re supposed to think, feel, behave, and respond. They rarely welcome input from you because they believe they already know everything they need to know. This sense of superiority and dominance robs you of your ability to be yourself.
Have you ever experienced that? The longer you stay in such a situation, the more it can feel like constant brainwashing. You’re repeatedly told you’re inadequate, you didn’t do something right, or that everything has to be filtered through them.
Today, I want to discuss one primary quality in relationships that a narcissist absolutely cannot accept. Now, let’s explore the one thing a narcissist cannot handle: your freedom.
The Truth About Human Nature
The truth is, you have a free will—you are free. This is a concept the narcissist doesn’t want you to know or remember. They aim to contain you, keeping you confined in a metaphorical cage. If you express independent thoughts or preferences that don’t align with theirs, they react as though you’ve broken the rules. To them, you’re not supposed to think that way. They ignore the fact that you are free to make your own decisions.
Let me give you an example. Suppose a family member says or does something that annoys you. What do you do with that feeling of agitation? A narcissist will tell you to stop feeling that way or to simply follow their lead. They want you to conform to their views, filtering everything through their opinions and preferences.
But what if, instead, you take a moment to reflect? You might ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way? What does this emotion reveal about my values and needs?” Acting on this self-awareness allows you to honor your preferences rather than conforming to someone else’s.
Freedom: The Privilege to Choose
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Freedom is about having the privilege to choose. A free person understands life is full of options, and they can select the path that best suits them. Narcissists, however, think, “Why should you choose for yourself? I’ve already figured out what you should do.” They completely overlook your right to self-determination.
Here’s another example. Imagine you have your own schedule or a specific way you want to manage your finances. If that doesn’t align with what the narcissist wants, they’ll likely try to dictate how you should handle it. But what if you said, “I hear what you’re saying, but as a free person, I get to decide how to manage my time and money”? Acknowledging your freedom doesn’t mean creating chaos—it means responsibly choosing what aligns with your values.
Navigating Freedom in a Relationship
Freedom also comes with responsibility. It means you must ask yourself, “Who am I, and how do I want to live my life?” The narcissist doesn’t want you to ponder this question because they’ve already decided who you should be. But as a free person, you’re allowed to think differently and live according to your own interpretations.
Whenever you’re criticized or coerced, remember that you’re not obligated to conform to someone else’s preferences. A narcissist might try to manipulate or punish you for asserting your independence, but their reactions don’t have to dictate your choices. You can accept the consequences of living authentically, even if it means the narcissist disapproves.
The Freedom Analogy
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Let’s use an analogy to illustrate this point. Imagine a dog fenced in a backyard. Even if the yard is beautiful, the dog might feel restricted and rebel by running away when the gate opens. Now, compare this to a country dog, which has no fence. The country dog doesn’t need to run because it feels free and chooses to stay close to home.
Similarly, humans thrive when they have the freedom to make their own choices. Living within someone else’s mold creates agitation and rebellion. True freedom allows you to find your home base and live according to your values.
Embracing Your Freedom
Even though the narcissist may resist the idea of your freedom, it remains your truth. You are free to be responsible, competent, and capable. The question is, how will you use that freedom to manage your life?
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