Sadness, anger, and fear are feelings that make us look for someone to blame for a problem. But being mature means stopping blaming others, doesn’t it?
A proud personality will find it difficult to recognize his mistakes by thinking he is superior to others, and will always blame others. But it is not only people with this personality who do not wish to question themselves, fearing repercussions or protecting themselves by blaming others. Why blame yourself when others can be blamed? What is behind the fact that they never want to take responsibility and be responsible? Why do these people victimize themselves and do not feel responsible?
As children, we are protected by our parents; they are the ones responsible for us. They protect us and take care of us, but as we grow up we learn that this comfort and security we are the main guarantor of our freedom. By taking full responsibility for our choices, our decisions, we lead our own lives as we see fit. We become the actor in our own life. It all starts with finding a job to support ourselves, then we learn to develop emotional ties with others as we see fit and to take care of our mental health. Little by little, at our own pace, we learn to take responsibility for ourselves.
That’s where it all comes down to, the difference between growing up and maturing. While time passes for everyone, we grow inexorably, but how we manage this responsibility in our lives determines our maturity. Taking responsibility for what happens to us is maturity.
Why put the blame on others?
If it is not by blaming others for our own fault that we are discharging our guilt, we use different strategies to avoid taking the blame for ourselves. But why?
To be guilty is to make ourselves fragile in the eyes of others and ourselves. Questioning ourselves is therefore difficult, we are caught at fault in these moments and our image of ourselves is altered. We then have to take responsibility, but can we disappoint ourselves? We prefer then that it is the fault of the neighbor to save us from painful thoughts and bad self-esteem.
It is also possible that we are afraid of the consequences, whether it is losing someone’s esteem or love, or finding ourselves alone. We hate feeling rejected, flawed, or unpleasant. Everyone prefers to expect when a mistake is made in order to avoid punishment, and the excuses we find are often many.
There is also another mechanism that comprises defending ourselves unconsciously using projection. This technique amounts to blaming the other for what belongs to us but which we refuse to admit, whether it is a trait, a feeling, or an oddity. We, therefore, project onto the other what we dislike in ourselves.
To overcome these different conscious or unconscious strategies, we must accept our vulnerability. Nobody is perfect, and we are all vulnerable to our faults and mistakes. To admit them is to strengthen ourselves and lighter. Daring to feel guilty will allow you to become familiar with and welcome the emotions involved. You must allow yourself to feel them so you no longer judge yourself and listen to yourself. Ask yourself what will happen if you are found guilty and this will help you better understand your inner scenario.
What does it mean to mature?
Growing and maturing means undeniably learning. You can’t learn without making mistakes, like in math, French, practice, and practice to become better. The learning process, therefore, implies that one makes mistakes in order to go through a complex process of reflection and analysis of facts. And this is where we point to external reasons to justify our mistakes. Our mind then goes looking for culprits.
As proof, when we recognize ourselves in an object in a room, we ask ourselves what the hell is it doing there. We then criticize directly the person who could have put it there or directly the object in question. This process is natural and is generated by frustration. But sometimes the obstacle that stands in our way is more important than an object. What happens when you disagree with a friend? That you don’t pass an exam? Cannot pass a test? Cannot obey the rules of the road? When you have communication problems in your relationship? And there are many examples…
When we don’t think, we think the other person is the problem, because he or she comes up against us. Your emotions dominate you at that moment, and you are looking for a culprit who is all in your mind. You then blame others, the circumstances, or yourself. Stop! Stop for two seconds and ask yourself what is the real point of finding a culprit? Once the culprit is found, what does it bring you? When we focus on blaming others or ourselves, we focus on negative attitudes and emotions such as sadness, anger, frustration, or resentment, but we get nowhere. It makes us unhappy.
If you work on the solution instead, looking for ways to change the situation, you quickly understand that beyond wasting time looking for the culprit, you see that it is possible to resolve the situation and work on it.
That’s what maturing is all about, going beyond your emotions to understand where the mistake came from and how to fix it or improve for the next time? When you look for a culprit next time, remember to quickly turn the page and let the negative emotions come without settling down, and look for solutions instead of culprits. This will allow you to reach new goals and leave those negative emotions behind.
The solution lies within you, and no one else can change it. Let others correct you, put your pride aside and remain sincere to yourself, and then be sincere to others. Dare to say, “I made a mistake,” and this sentence will seem easier to say as time goes by.
No one will ever be totally responsible for what happens to them. And responsibilities are sometimes shared. Here, rather try to understand, to find solutions, rather than fighting to find out who is the most guilty.
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