A narcissist, though, you’re going to see it. You’re going to see a flash of irritation, a smirk that immediately drops, a sudden edge in their tone, sarcasm, guilt, or silence. They shift tactics. That’s your cue. They weren’t making a request; they were checking for power. A narcissist crosses the line to dominate, to win, and when they don’t get what they want, they escalate. Because it was never about the boundary; it was about seeing if they could bend your behavior. And if they succeed even once, they’re going to be back.
Boundary Tests
Let me give you an example. Let’s say it’s your time, and you’ve made it clear that you’re done for the day. You’re dealing with this person you’re trying to check if they’re a narcissist or not. You’re packing up, heading out, and that person stops you, saying, “Wait, before you go, can you help me with one quick thing?”
Caveat: not everybody who needs to interrupt you is a narcissist. I’m imagining that you guys are in this situation, and you understand the difference between a person who does this all the time—making you feel manipulated—and a person who’s just accidentally bumbling along to ask for help. Because the point isn’t to always say no; it’s to say no selectively and then watch what happens when you do it.
You tell them, “I’ve got to run,” or “I have to leave,” or “I have an appointment,” or whatever it is. Then the boundary isn’t what you said; it’s what you do at that point. You leave. You don’t explain; you don’t stall; you just keep going. That’s your no—not the words. Then you need to watch. If they accept it and move on, great. But if they tighten their jaw, have a flash of disgust, or escalate, saying, “Seriously, it only takes 2 seconds,” that’s a push. Or saying, “Wow, okay, I guess I’ll just figure it out myself,” is passive aggression. That’s when you need to stop and ask yourself: Are they just asking for help, or are they testing to see if I’m going to yield? Because that moment tells you everything. If it happens once, it might just be frustration or a bad day. But if you keep seeing it happen—if your exits are followed by guilt, fallout, or pressure—you’re not in a misunderstanding; you’re in a power play.
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