I Was Wrong About Narcissism

When you meet this type of narcissist, they can be extremely vulnerable to approach. First of all, they’ll pretend to be a victim of their circumstances—”Oh, my ex-wife,” or “Oh, my parents.” They will have many complaints, similar to a typical covert narcissist. But what sets them apart is how they focus on you. They will talk to you, make you their favorite person, put you on a pedestal, and listen to you—even though it’s self-absorbed listening.

When a plain narcissist gives you gifts, they are superficial. They might buy you a nice phone, a great car, or a house, but there is no emotional meaning associated with the act. However, when a borderline narcissist targets you in a predatory way, they will do simple things for you that feel ritualistic. It seems like a romance of a different kind, as if two parts of a single soul live in two bodies.

I’ve heard examples like, “Oh, we used to brush with the same toothbrush.” I know that sounds gross, but you see how they make it feel intimate? They want you to listen to their heartbeat and be close to them, making you feel seen and heard. They will promise you a world, and unfortunately, they will deliver some of it. They will show up and provide some level of consistency.

The Dangerous Cycle of Manipulation

But what makes it so dangerous? Their splitting nature. They want you to play a special role in their life as a fixer. You have to give them supply. Because they are both a borderline and a narcissist, they will not show any empathy towards your pain. The moment you bring up your needs or talk about what they promised in the beginning, they will turn cold and disconnected. You will be left thinking, “What just happened? I thought we were together.”

They might say, “I just want to be friends,” or “I don’t want to do anything with you at all.” If they were just a borderline, they might simply block you and move on. But because it’s a vulnerable borderline narcissist, they will want to keep you in their life for obvious reasons—you are meeting some of their needs and providing them with supply.