Narcissists are natural exploiters, which means they like to see you in a weakened state as they seek advantages. One of their favorite tactics is psychological baiting. Dr. Les Carter explains how their goal is to manipulate you in the process of elevating themselves. But once you can spot their tactics, you can become free from their antics.
Now, let me address a question I’ve been asked many times—one that truly deserves a thoughtful response. People often ask, “When you consider all the traits and behaviors that make up the narcissistic pattern, which one would you say is the clearest indicator of their dysfunction?
It’s an excellent question, and there are certainly plenty of traits to choose from. Narcissists are highly selfish individuals. They exude entitlement, seek to control others, and hide behind the mask of a false self. They crave superiority and validation, often at the expense of others. Yet, if I had to pinpoint one defining characteristic, it would be their willingness to exploit and manipulate others for their personal gain. That, to me, is the most glaring sign that we’re dealing with someone who is deeply troubled and unable—or unwilling—to be a fair or supportive ally in relationships.
One of the most insidious tactics narcissists use to maintain control is called narcissistic baiting. This tactic is specifically designed to provoke you, bringing out the worst in you so they can elevate themselves at your expense. The goal of this manipulation is to invalidate you, make you appear irrational, and undermine your sense of worth.
Here’s the key: narcissists bait you because they want to maintain control and distract attention from their own deficiencies. They know that if they can keep you in a reactive, defensive state, they win. And make no mistake—they’re incredibly skilled at baiting, using a variety of tactics to throw you off balance.
I’ve compiled a list of common narcissistic baiting strategies. While this is not an exhaustive list, it highlights many of the tactics they use to manipulate and provoke others:
1. Using Your Vulnerabilities Against You
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Narcissists will often elicit personal or sensitive disclosures from you under the guise of care or curiosity. Later, they weaponize that information, turning it against you. For instance, if you once confided about a mistake or a regret, they may bring it up in an argument, saying, “You can’t do anything right. Even you admitted it.”
2. Counter-Confrontations
When you address an issue with them—perhaps pointing out a broken promise—they will often redirect the focus by bringing up unrelated faults of yours. For example, if you say, “You didn’t follow through on what you promised, and it disrupted my plans,” they might respond, “Oh, really? Well, let’s talk about the time you completely messed up last month.” It’s a deflection tactic meant to avoid accountability.
3. Provoking Arguments Over Controversial Topics
They often pick fights over subjects they know will upset you—politics, religion, or family dynamics—just to accuse you of being ignorant or closed-minded. When you react, they’ll claim you’re too sensitive or incapable of having a rational discussion.
4. Chronic Fault-Finding
Narcissists are relentless in pointing out your flaws, often zeroing in on trivial matters. They may criticize you for how you cook, how you dress, or even how you phrase something, making it clear that you can never fully satisfy them.
5. Triangulation
They love to play people against each other. For example, they might say, “John agrees with me that you’re difficult to work with,” or, “Your mother told me she doesn’t know how to deal with you either.” This creates insecurity and doubt in your relationships.
6. Passive Aggression and Non-Cooperation
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From being chronically tardy to giving half-hearted efforts, they’ll deliberately undermine you while playing the victim. When confronted, they’ll respond with, “You’re always on my back. I can’t do anything right, can I?”
7. Exaggerated or Fake Apologies
When caught in a mistake, they might offer a dramatic apology, such as, “I’m the worst person ever. Just pile it on.” Alternatively, they’ll give a conditional apology like, “I’m sorry, but this wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t…” This keeps the focus off their behavior.
8. Public Embarrassment
They may make jokes or rude comments about you in front of others. Later, when you express hurt, they’ll dismiss it, saying, “You’re too sensitive. I was just joking.”
9. Condescending Remarks
Narcissists often mask their insults as backhanded compliments or dismissive comments, such as, “Well, I’m not surprised you couldn’t handle that.”
10. Interrupting and Monopolizing Conversations
They frequently cut you off or dominate discussions to keep you from expressing your thoughts. Their interruptions are often angry or forceful, designed to leave you feeling silenced and dismissed.
11. Idealization Followed by Devaluation
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Initially, they may shower you with praise, making you feel special. However, once you fail to live up to their unrealistic expectations, they’ll belittle and devalue you.
12. Minimizing Your Successes
When you share an achievement, they might respond with indifference or sarcasm, saying things like, “Do you want a medal for that?”
13. Playing the Victim
Finally, narcissists love to play the “woe is me” card. If you hold them accountable, they’ll deflect with excuses rooted in self-pity, such as, “How can you criticize me after everything I’ve been through?”
The core of all these tactics is manipulation. Narcissists want to make you look unstable, difficult, or incapable while preserving their own image of superiority.
So, what can you do? The most important step is awareness. Recognize these behaviors for what they are: calculated attempts to control and destabilize you. Refuse to take the bait. Instead, focus on maintaining your dignity, self-respect, and emotional stability.
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