How to Control a Narcissist
Now, let’s talk about the flip side of rewards, which is punishment. Punishment is basically a way to discourage unwanted behavior by giving some sort of penalty or undesirable effect. The thing is, studies show it’s usually not as effective as using rewards for shaping behavior. That said, if the punishment is serious enough, just the thought of it can be enough to stop someone from acting out. In those cases, the punishment doesn’t even need to happen because people are motivated to avoid it entirely.
In the case of narcissists, the idea of using either a reward or a punishment to shape their behavior isn’t as straightforward. What do we mean? For most narcissists, things like validation, admiration, and attention are huge motivators. They thrive on praise, feeling like the center of attention, applause, and over-the-top gratitude. Anything that boosts their sense of importance works for them, whether it’s being told they’re amazing or rubbing shoulders with influential people they see as VIPs. Status is a big deal, too. They love going to trendy events, concerts, or parties that make them look good, and they’re all about high-status stuff like luxury cars, designer clothes, pricey jewelry, watches, or even yachts. These status symbols fuel their endless need for recognition and admiration.
Now, you’re not going to hand a narcissist a yacht just to get them to do a chore, right? Instead, think about other ways to encourage them, like genuine praise. Just keep in mind that narcissists, even if they don’t really feel empathy, are surprisingly good at picking up on fake or condescending statements. So, over-the-top compliments like, “Wow, you cooked dinner! You’re the most amazing person ever!” will probably come off as patronizing and could totally backfire. Instead, keep it real and thoughtful. Try something like, “I know you’ve been super busy, but you still took the time to cook dinner. Thank you. That really means a lot to me.
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