One of the primary elements of a narcissist’s mindset is shame. Chances are they were shamed growing up or witnessed it a lot, and that becomes the language they use when engaging with you. Keep in mind that this mindset is pretty much constant. If you think it’s your goal to make them respond differently, you’ve already lost.
So, how do we engage in arguments with a narcissist without fighting? Again, it’s all about maintaining the right mindset. You need to have proper thoughts within yourself so that, as the narcissist engages with you and tries to throw you off, you can draw upon your own inner centeredness rather than react to their responses.
The first thing to ask yourself as you engage with a narcissist is, “Does this make sense?” If the answer is not really, then don’t argue. However, if you have a need—whether about discipline at home, handling money, or decisions at work—and the other person is just waiting to shoot you down, ask yourself if you believe in yourself. If you do, that belief becomes the foundation for effective communication.
Secondly, state your convictions in a plain tone of voice. Remember, narcissists like to use persuasion and insistence. If you get caught in a counter-persuasion style and say, “But you don’t understand, here’s why I feel this way,” it won’t work. The narcissist will just think, “I’ve got you going,” and they’ll keep pushing until you’re in a ditch.
So, maintain a calm, plain tone—no persuasion, pleading, coaxing, or convincing. Third, when you get the inevitable pushback (and it will happen), don’t go into a quick or strong defensive posture. The more defensive you get, the more ammunition you give them to poke holes in your arguments.
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