Narcissists take your feelings—your compassion, love, or even fear—and turn them into weapons to control you. For example, they might say something like, “If you leave, I don’t know what I’ll do to myself,” or “If you don’t do what I want, you’ll ruin this relationship.” These statements aren’t about genuine emotions; they’re designed to make you feel responsible for their well-being. Susan Forward, in her book “Emotional Blackmail,” explains it perfectly: emotional blackmailers use fear, obligation, and guilt to get what they want. It’s all about creating a trap where you feel that complying is the only way to avoid something terrible.
This kind of manipulation leaves you feeling stuck and drained because you’re constantly prioritizing their demands over your own needs. Over time, you might feel like you’re walking through a minefield, always afraid of setting them off. But it’s important to understand that their threats and guilt trips are not your responsibility. As Dr. Henry Cloud, co-author of “Boundaries,” points out, we are responsible to others, not for them.
5. Refusing to Take Responsibility
Narcissists are always holding up a mirror but pointing it at you. Whatever they do wrong, like lying, breaking a promise, or causing conflict, they can spin it so it’s your fault. They might say, “If you hadn’t reacted that way, I wouldn’t have done it,” or “You’re too sensitive; you’re overreacting.” This constant blame-shifting leaves you questioning yourself and your actions.
As Dr. Craig Malchin, author of “Rethinking Narcissism,” explains, “Narcissists avoid accountability because admitting fault feels like losing control, and control is their comfort zone.” The worst part is how this behavior affects you. Over time, you start to feel like nothing you do is right, and you carry the weight of the narcissist’s mistakes as if they’re your own. It’s exhausting and makes you doubt your worth. Recognizing this pattern can help you stop taking on their blame. Focus on what you know is accurate and don’t be afraid to set boundaries. Their refusal to own up doesn’t have to define your reality.
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