Let’s talk about number two: The fear of judgment. Narcissists have a way of twisting your downtime into something ugly, calling you lazy, selfish, or accusing you of not caring enough. Over time, you start internalizing those messages, so even when they’re not around, your brain picks up the whip and starts doing their job for them. It’s like you’ve got this imaginary judge in your head waiting to slap a guilty verdict on you for daring to enjoy your own time. That’s why even the thought of relaxing can make you tense up like you’re about to be scolded. You might not even realize how deep that programming runs until you’re finally out of the relationship and still can’t sit still. You find yourself cleaning the house obsessively or jumping up every time your phone buzzes, not because anyone asked you to, but because you’ve been wired to expect judgment. It’s a toxic little voice that echoes, “You don’t deserve rest unless you’ve earned it, and even then, don’t get too comfortable.”
As life coach Lisa A. Romano puts it in one of her workshops on narcissistic abuse recovery, when you grow up or live under constant emotional surveillance, your nervous system doesn’t recognize safety; it associates stillness with danger. So no, you’re not lazy for wanting to rest. You’re just healing from a system that made rest feel like rebellion.
Let’s move on to number three: Internalized pressure for perfection. Narcissists often tie your value to performance, like how well you serve, how spotless the house is, or how perfectly you handle a situation. So relaxing feels like you’re failing. The second you try to relax, your brain nudges you with a to-do list like it’s your unpaid boss. That’s the internalized pressure to be perfect whispering that you should be hustling, fixing, or proving something 24/7. Psychologist Dr. Julia de A. Hanks explains this well: children of narcissistic parents often develop a false self, trying to be perfect to gain approval. This mindset doesn’t just vanish when the abuse ends; it lingers. So even your downtime feels like it needs to be justified with receipts and achievements. Perfection isn’t even your goal; it was the narcissist’s tool to control you. They made you feel like nothing you did was ever enough, so now you carry that inner critic around like a backpack full of bricks. Relaxing isn’t just hard; it feels wrong. As trauma therapist Pete Walker puts it in his book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, many survivors develop toxic shame that tells them they’re only worthy when they’re producing or performing. But you’re not a machine. You don’t have to earn your worth by being in constant motion. Perfection is a myth, and peace doesn’t need permission. Let yourself breathe; you’re not here to impress a jury that never clapped anyway.
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