3. Guilt over prioritizing yourself: Putting yourself first can feel wrong when you’re dealing with a narcissist. You might feel a wave of guilt for doing something as simple as resting when you’re exhausted or saying no when you’re overwhelmed. This happens because narcissists condition their victims to believe that their worth is tied to serving others. Even when no one is actively pressuring you, that guilt lingers, making you feel like you should always be doing something productive or putting others ahead of yourself. Best-selling author Shannon Thomas, in Healing from Hidden Abuse, describes this as emotional servitude, where victims become so used to neglecting themselves that prioritizing their well-being feels unnatural. But here’s the truth: taking care of yourself isn’t selfish; it’s survival. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you deserve to rest, recharge, and set boundaries without guilt. Breaking free starts with small steps, like reminding yourself that your needs are just as important as anyone else’s.
4. Over-explaining yourself: Narcissistic abuse conditions you to believe that your words and actions will always be questioned, criticized, or used against you. In her book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, psychologist Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson explains that victims of emotional manipulation often develop a deep fear of being misunderstood or invalidated, leading them to over-justify everything just to avoid conflict. It’s like you’re constantly preparing for an interrogation, even when no one is challenging you. This habit doesn’t just drain your energy; it keeps you trapped in the mindset that your decisions need external approval. Trauma expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula describes this as a side effect of walking on eggshells, where victims feel the need to over-explain to avoid disapproval or punishment. But here’s the reality: you don’t owe anyone a five-paragraph essay on why you prefer tea over coffee. Your choices are enough, and you don’t need permission to exist as you are.
5. Struggling with decision-making: How do you expect to steer your own ship when someone else has been holding the wheel for so long? That’s the reality of decision-making after narcissistic abuse. You’ve been trained to second-guess yourself, not because you’re incapable, but because every past decision was met with criticism, blame, or manipulation. Narcissistic abuse teaches you that your decisions aren’t your own; every choice has to be double-checked or justified. Over time, this conditioning makes you hesitate, second-guess, and overanalyze everything. Dr. Pete Walker, author of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, explains that survivors of emotional abuse often develop a fawn response, where they defer to others to avoid conflict. You might find yourself constantly asking others, “What do you think?” instead of trusting your own judgment.
Listen closely: you don’t need permission to trust yourself again. Start by making tiny, low-stakes decisions without overthinking, like what to eat, what music to play, or what to wear. Then build up to bigger choices. The fear won’t disappear overnight, but with practice, it will shrink. You’ve spent enough time doubting yourself; now it’s time to take your power back one decision at a time.
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