Next, the narcissistic mother will weaponize guilt and martyrdom. Guilt is the glue that keeps the son stuck. Narcissistic mothers excel at martyrdom, using phrases like, “After everything I’ve done for you,” or, “I guess I’m just a burden now.” She casts herself as the suffering saint, and he is guilt-tripped into submission. The son is trained to anticipate her needs, soothe her moods, and prioritize her feelings above his own, lest he be accused of selfishness or abandonment. Her suffering becomes his responsibility, and her unhappiness becomes his fault. This is emotional blackmail, and unfortunately, it distorts his moral compass, making self-protection or a commitment to any other woman feel like betrayal.
These mothers are brilliant at exploiting guilt and creating a narrative that they are some type of saint or martyr because they made sacrifices for him. This son doesn’t understand that what a mother is supposed to do when she has a child goes with the territory. It’s part of the decision to become a mother. He doesn’t owe her anything just because she birthed him and made sacrifices for him. Her love should be unconditional. However, in these families, her love is 1,000% conditional, and no one is more aware of this fact than he is.
Next, the narcissistic mother will steal her son’s right to his own identity. The enmeshed son often becomes a stranger to himself because his identity is shaped around meeting his mother’s needs. He struggles to answer basic questions like, “Who am I when no one needs me? What do I want to do apart from pleasing others? What does love feel like when it’s not tied to obligation?” The narcissistic mother doesn’t just claim space in her son’s life; she colonizes his inner world. His emotions, desires, and ambitions are filtered through her lens of approval. He becomes a projection, not a person. He learns from an early age that he needs to perform a version of himself that keeps her happy and satisfied at all times. His literal identity becomes entangled with his mother’s happiness or lack thereof.
To suggest that this woman robs this boy of his God-given birthright to develop normally and into his own person is an understatement. She sees absolutely nothing wrong with what she’s doing to him and sincerely believes these are entitlements she deserves. Remember, all narcissists live in a delusion where they reign supreme and everyone else orbits around them.
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