Have you been dealing with a covert narcissist? If so, you probably know how frustrating and damaging their behavior can be. Covert narcissists are, in many ways, the worst kind of narcissist. I know this firsthand—I’ve dealt with several in my life, at least two of whom had a significant impact on me.
But did you know that covert narcissists actually sabotage their own lives? In this article, I’ll go over six ways they do this. You’ll want to read until the end because it’s truly eye-opening. While they may be experts at making your life miserable, they are also unknowingly setting themselves up for failure.
Being entangled with a covert narcissist is like experiencing “death by a thousand cuts.” The harm they inflict is subtle and accumulates over time. Often, others don’t see it, and even you might not recognize it at first.
It’s like the famous metaphor of the frog in boiling water. If you drop a frog into boiling water, it will jump out immediately. But if you place it in cool water and slowly heat it, the frog won’t notice the danger until it’s too late. That’s exactly how dealing with a covert narcissist feels—the manipulation is so gradual that by the time you realize what’s happening, the damage has already been done.
1. They Can’t Control Their Emotions
While covert narcissists often appear composed in public, they frequently lose control behind closed doors. Eventually, their true nature slips out at the wrong moment, in front of the wrong person, or in the wrong situation.
This lack of emotional regulation leads them to sabotage relationships, careers, and even business opportunities. Many covert narcissists regret their outbursts, but their inability to manage their emotions keeps them trapped in a cycle of self-destruction.
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A neurosurgeon once explained that the most important skill a person can develop is emotional control. Our brains have both a logical, reasoning part (the cerebral cortex) and an emotional, impulsive part (the limbic system). When people—especially narcissists—fail to regulate their emotions, they make irrational choices that harm their own lives.
2. They Underestimate Their Supply
Narcissists depend on their “supply”—the people they manipulate for validation, attention, and control. One of their biggest mistakes is underestimating these individuals, especially kind and empathetic people.
They assume that because you’re compassionate, you’re weak. They collapse kindness and generosity into weakness, believing that someone who is caring cannot also be strong. But this is far from the truth.
Think about Mother Teresa—she was one of the kindest and most selfless people in history, yet undeniably strong. Covert narcissists fail to recognize that kindness is not weakness, which ultimately backfires on them.
3. They Overestimate Themselves
While they underestimate others, covert narcissists grossly overestimate themselves. This is especially evident in negotiations and power struggles.
They lie constantly, assuming no one will challenge them or uncover the truth. They don’t expect anyone to document their lies, gather evidence, or strategically confront them. But when people do stand up to them, the narcissist is often blindsided.
This overconfidence leads them to take reckless risks, which ultimately come back to haunt them. The best approach? Let them underestimate you while you stay prepared—because their arrogance will eventually be their downfall.
4. They Assume You Will Always Tolerate Their Abuse
Narcissists believe that if you’ve put up with their abuse before, you always will. They assume you will never leave, no matter how much they mistreat you.
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That’s why they are genuinely shocked when you finally stand up for yourself. When you start setting boundaries and refusing to engage in their toxic behavior, they react with meltdowns and tantrums. But no matter how much they lash out, you must stay firm.
Think of it like a toddler throwing a tantrum. It often gets worse before it gets better—but eventually, the tantrums stop. When you refuse to tolerate a covert narcissist’s abuse, they lose their power over you.
5. They Hold Grudges
Covert narcissists are incapable of forgiveness. They hold grudges for years, sometimes even for a lifetime.
This inability to let go isolates them from others, leaving them lonely and disconnected. They push away people who might have truly loved them because they can’t move past perceived slights.
Deep down, narcissists don’t believe they are lovable. They feel unworthy, which makes it impossible for them to form genuine, healthy relationships. As a result, they remain stuck in cycles of resentment, bitterness, and emotional isolation.
6. They Must Always Be the Victim
Perhaps the most self-destructive trait of a covert narcissist is their need to be seen as a victim—no matter the cost.
I’ve seen narcissists destroy relationships with their own family members just so they could maintain their victim narrative. Instead of valuing genuine connections, they prioritize sympathy from outsiders. They’d rather have people feel sorry for them than experience real love and companionship.
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This is the ultimate self-sabotage. By clinging to victimhood, they prevent themselves from ever experiencing true happiness, peace, or fulfillment.
Covert narcissists may excel at making others miserable, but in the end, they are their own worst enemies. Their lack of emotional control, arrogance, inability to forgive, and obsession with victimhood ensure that they will never find real happiness.
But you don’t have to let their toxicity drag you down. Life is too short to waste on people who thrive on manipulation and negativity. Choose joy, peace, and fulfillment—you deserve it.
WORDS THAT DESTROY A NARCISSIST
Narcissists and the Cost of Your Happiness
12 Dirty Tactics Narcissists Employ to Break You Down
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