People have a certain tendency to assimilate and “label” certain behaviors of their partner.
People have a tendency, especially in relationships that have lasted for several years, to assimilate and “label” certain behaviors of their partner in order to justify that he or she is like that; and this is a way of submitting to them, even though they may harm you.
This way of tolerating the other, often we do it because it’s something we choose, thinking this way the relationship will continue, although even with these things are not so fluid. Sometimes we don’t recognize that we are tolerating behaviors that need to be stopped.
Who are these people who are more likely to tolerate toxic behavior?
People who have insecurity or attachment problems, whose emotional needs were not met in childhood, do so more often and for longer periods of time than those who are self-confident and who are more likely to identify harmful behavior because it is something abnormal for them.
People who have suffered emotional neglect as children, for example, who have been teased, belittled, marginalized in their own homes, or emotionally abused, are much more likely to minimize or tolerate the other person’s bad behavior.
These toxic behaviors that we should not tolerate
Toxic behaviors that may seem intolerable to one person may become something normal to another. For example, a person who has to avoid something daily in order to move forward, after several attempts, will eventually get used to it and will no longer see it as a brake or an obstacle that prevents him or her from.
Power and manipulation behaviors
All behaviors that are not benign will take on toxic forms to exert control over you, and are signs of a power imbalance in the relationship, and clues to the other person’s true intentions.
Some of them are more obvious than others, but the real key is whether you call them for what they are or whether you appease, rationalize, deny or give them excuses. We all need to take responsibility for whether we tolerate toxic behavior that we know should not be part of someone’s emotional landscape.
- Your thoughts and feelings are made fun of.
One way to undermine the other and relegate their feelings to the background is to use subtle mockery and marginalization, minimizing the points of view or reactions we show in a certain situation.
When you are mocked, the other person tells you that what you say doesn’t matter or that your feelings are not important or perhaps laughable. Or that your thoughts are wrong based on confusing thoughts, or that you are “too sensitive” or “too emotional. These are manipulations, pure, and simple, that should not be tolerated.
- You are being discredited
It’s one thing to complain about someone’s action or inaction – such as mentioning that the other person didn’t keep a promise, made you wait an hour, didn’t take out the trash. It’s another thing to complain about someone else’s action or inaction – such as mentioning that the other person didn’t keep a promise, made you wait an hour, didn’t take out the trash. Another thing is to criticize someone’s character, full of examples, and viciously. These criticisms usually begin with words like “Never” or “Always”, and what follows is a litany of everything the other person considers not to have or to have. It’s not fair, never. If the other person is a role model in the relationship and you feel disparaged or demeaned most of the time, don’t rationalize the other person’s behavior by making excuses to defend him/her (by denying or changing your view of what s/he has done in order to justify it). By apologizing, you encourage the behavior and make it seem normal.
- You are mentally weakened
It is a power game, used by people who perceive the other person in the relationship as weaker or more manipulable; parents do it with their children, using the strength of their authority, just like adults trying to control another.
This person draws attention to the other person’s perceptions or views of reality by denying that something was said or done and then suggests that you made it up or misinterpreted it. This person takes advantage of what he or she knows about your level of confidence in your own perceptions, and your insecurities, and knows how to undermine you until you become mentally weakened.
- You are treated with contempt
Mocking you, or showing physical gestures such as looking you in the eye to communicate contempt for you, your words and actions, is never acceptable and will always be aimed at exerting control over the other person. All healthy relationships require mutual respect, and non-contempt should be the rule for everyone. Contempt and emotional abuse should not be tolerated, as it is the preamble to a toxic relationship.
- We’re projecting ourselves onto you
This toxic behavior is the favorite trick of narcissists. Instead of acknowledging their feelings and taking responsibility for them, the narcissist projects them onto someone close to them, and if it is their partner, even more so. Let’s take an example: the narcissist gets angry about something, but projects his anger onto you and asks you why you’re angry, (when he’s the one who’s angry), so you’ll be subject to defending yourself and denying what he mentions.
This alters the balance of power in a subtle way, because while you are aware of his anger – his fists are clenched, his jaw muscles are working, his face is blushing – you are now defensive, saying that you are not angry.
These toxic behaviors, observed daily and tolerated avoiding major problems, cause the affected person to feel helpless, confused, and misunderstood.
- Your insecurities are manipulated
This ploy is like blind a person, but it goes further, paralyzing them, preventing them from speaking, keeping them under control and contained. With this behavior, the manipulator takes advantage of the knowledge he or she has about the other person.
The manipulator, knowing that you are nervous when someone gets angry, that you may back down if you are challenged enough, knows that this comment can make you feel inferior or nullified. It may be harder to see, but if it is a repeated pattern, you are floating in a toxic sea and you are at the mercy of a manipulative person.
You deserve to express what you don’t like.
When someone, through manipulations or negative attitudes, discusses every manifestation you make about a problem or when you want to express what you feel and don’t want to tolerate, it paralyzes you, it clearly prevents you from expressing yourself, and it’s one of the most toxic behaviors of all, it’s frustrating and degrading at the same time.
The worst thing you can do is to take responsibility for someone who doesn’t allow you to express yourself, especially if you get into the habit of self-criticizing or blaming yourself for choosing the “wrong time” to mention what you need to express. This is highly toxic and manipulative behavior.
A healthy relationship must rest on three solid and fundamental pillars, if one of them is precarious, or non-existent, the relationship cannot develop or will be maintained in a harmful way. These building blocks of a non-toxic relationship are trust, a sense of being loved, and a sense of freedom.
In a relationship where toxic behaviors are “forgiven” and tolerated in order to sustain the couple’s life, the person, even if not consciously aware of it, will live in submission.
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