As a kid, I hated to eat with my family, especially when my father was around. You may wonder why. Well, he had some weird and toxic eating habits that made sharing a meal with him a very painful experience. Instead of letting you fill your tummy with food, he would fill it with stress and trauma. I remember always leaving the gathering in a torn-apart state, feeling confused and just shaming myself for not making an excuse to avoid eating with him. Now that I look back, I can recognize that these toxic habits were extremely abusive and very stressful to deal with, which is the reason why I am creating this episode today.
1. They behave animalistically when eating.
Number one, they behave animalistically when eating. Now, nothing against animals. I’m just helping you understand how their behavior may look. They make really loud noises, have zero table manners, do not respect other people who are eating around them, do not cover their mouth, and make these weird sounds as if they just want to fill that bin in their mouth. They don’t care what they’re eating or how much they’re eating. They just want to engulf it all as if they have not seen food for years and this is the last quantity they will ever get their hands on. It’s crazy to understand, but that is how it is, especially with cerebral narcissists who are brain-centered, computer-like in nature, and completely dissociated and disconnected from their body. They do not care about what they are wearing, how they look, how they smell, and so on. It’s all in their head. I remember asking my father once how the food tasted. He took a pause, looked at me while taking in food, and asked, “What do you mean by ‘what does it taste like’? What is taste?” These were his words: “What is taste?” I was taken aback. I thought maybe he was kidding. You are a human being, and of course, you have the capability to taste things, don’t you? That’s what makes me think they don’t have a sense of taste or texture. They don’t care about it. He literally told me, “If you were to give me cattle feed and mix it with some salt, I’ll eat it as well. It doesn’t matter. One should have something to eat, and that is enough.” Now, one may think, “Oh, that’s so humble of him.” Of course not. He was disgusting when it came to what he ate and how he prepared it. The crazy thing is they start a fight if you make a request and ask them to chew quietly. “It’s bothering me. Can you just keep it quiet a little bit? Can you close your mouth when eating, please?” No, they will perceive it as criticism or some form of attack. It’s not like you’re making up the problem or shaming them. Clearly, they are not eating like a human being, and you’re eating around them. It’s your right to be at peace and eat calmly, but they are stealing that away. That is entitlement. It’s not wrong to ask a person to just behave normally, but they don’t consider that aspect. It’s all about them, and how dare you question their behavior? For it is perfect, and there must be something wrong with your ears. “Go get them checked. You’re hearing a lot nowadays,” that’s what they would say.
2. Some narcissists experience delurgasm when eating.
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Number two, some narcissists experience a delurgasm when eating. Delusion plus orgasm makes delurgasm. Let me explain it further. My father used to tell us all sorts of stories when eating. He would intentionally wait and watch us all come together. The moment we would start eating, there he goes, talking about his day and how he shamed a certain person, how he belittled the person who works under him, how he received all the admiration in the office, and how everybody was admiring him, how he defeated his colleagues at work and proved he knew more than them. It would not stop there. He would go on to relive the same excitement he felt when bringing those people down in reality or in his fantasy. We, as observers, especially me, could see that grandiosity, arrogance, pride, entitlement, delusion, and narcissism oozing out of his facial expressions as he kept on living that fantasy. Nobody knows if he was feeding us a bunch of lies or telling the truth. But how is it possible that he was the only person to win every single time or he was the hero or the savior in every situation he would share with us? This is the reason why I call it delurgasm. For these people, narrating these stories is like experiencing an orgasm, but of course, of their delusions. They live their fantasies and feel the excitement as they get supply from those who are listening. Back then, as children, we believed it, which is what we call shared fantasy. His fantasy became our fantasy. I remember imagining him doing those things he would share with us, things he would talk about. You know, that got all of us curious. He got our attention. We would listen, nod our heads, and ask questions, especially his co-narcissistic wife, who pretended to listen only to give him supply and to make a fool out of him.
3. Some narcissists eat meticulously as if seeking perfection.
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Number three, some narcissists eat meticulously as if seeking perfection. This is the opposite of number one. Narcissists are controlling and rigid in general, but some manifest that controlling nature when eating. They do not exert that control only on how they are eating but also on how others are eating around them, which is crazy. They would want you to sit a certain way, have certain table manners, and it’s not about having table manners. It’s all about how they want you to chew, what they want you to look at, what they want you to touch, in what manner, and how they want you to place a spoon. This is not a show. Well, for the narcissist, everything is a show in their crazy, delusional mind. They act as if it’s a performance and they are being watched. One small mistake, and you get psychologically tortured. Why? Because you disrupted the show. It’s a grand show of which you are a part. You make it possible for them. It’s a performance. Why don’t you understand? It’s a very fake thing going on. You can’t be yourself. There is no room for it. So how dare you express yourself? How dare you look in a particular way? Why did you look at your brother when eating? This is crazy. This is cruel. This is robotic. But that is how it is with these narcissists who tend to be more somatic in nature. They tend to be attracted towards elegance and perfection, but it’s all about control. It has nothing to do with elegance or sophistication. It’s all about being extremely controlling and exerting that control on others.
4. They control you using food.
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Number four, and the most painful one, they control you using food. How? By restricting the amount, by passing on certain comments that make you feel like you’re eating too much or the wrong stuff, or that you’re not hungry, you’re not supposed to eat, and that you’re not doing the right thing. You feel like you are going against something and are committing a sin. How do they do it? They say weird stuff under the guise of being really caring towards you. They might have the nerve to pick food from your plate and put it back in the pot. I have seen that happening. My father used to do that to my mother and my sister all the time, and it would make them feel so small. They restrict how much you eat and then say, “Oh, I am doing it for you. I don’t want you to gain weight.” Or the opposite, they might force-feed you. I once remember not feeling hungry at all and not wanting to eat anything. He got really angry. I don’t know how he took it personally as if I was criticizing him because I was not listening. I was saying, “No, I’m not hungry. I don’t want to eat right now. I’ll eat later.” He, I remember, held my neck and filled his hand with food and stuffed it in my mouth as if I was a dustbin or something. He kept doing that until I puked. I vomited it out. My stomach was not accepting anything at all, and then instead of soothing me, he hit me as if I had disrespected him by doing something that was beyond my control. Crazy, isn’t it? They keep a hawk’s eye on what you’re eating or not eating. They may make it seem like they don’t have a problem, but they’ll be like this, always looking, always watching what you ate, how much you ate. If they’re obsessed with saving food, they’ll always pass comments and call you ungrateful. You won’t be allowed to leave anything on your plate. If you do, you’re not thinking about those people who do not get to eat at all. You should be ashamed of yourself. You’re wasting food. It’s wrong to waste food, but sometimes you don’t feel like it. It’s just okay. Occasionally, it’s fine. No, you can’t with a narcissist like this. It doesn’t matter how much they waste in other ways; that cannot be counted or talked about. You waste just a little bit, and you are to be punished.
5. Forced eating in a group like you’re part of a cult.
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Now, number five, and the last one, forced eating in a group like you are part of a cult, and you cannot do anything on your own. My father would force us to eat together. Eating together is a good thing, you know. It’s a family value. It makes you feel like you belong to a group, and you feel safe and whatnot. But no, in this case, it’s all about torture. If you do not eat in a group, then who would they abuse? Who would they shame? Who would they use as a source of supply when eating? Who would they terrify and terrorize? If they were to eat alone, wouldn’t they feel really unimportant? Wouldn’t they feel abandoned and isolated? Narcissists don’t like abandonment. They do not like being ignored. When you do not want to eat with them, they feel like you have rejected them, and they do not like it at all. It’s like a pact. It’s an agreement that you have invisibly signed, according to which you will have to eat with them no matter what. No matter how late they are, how they are ignoring you. If you’re hungry, it does not matter. If they want to eat, you will have to eat as well, whether or not you feel like it. That is my story. How do I know this? It has happened to me. You’re never allowed to love food, which is why a lot of survivors then either avoid it, have a very bad relationship with food, become emotional eaters, or become anorexic. They do not want to eat at all. Food naturally was associated with trauma, so they hate it. Do you see where I’m going with this? Which one of these food habits of the narcissist have you been a victim of? Let me know in the comments. Drop your experiences. Who knows, you might end up validating a lot of people.
And also, before I end this episode, here is an important announcement. I am doing an online workshop for all children of narcissistic parents who want to heal. In this workshop, I’ll help you understand how you get traumatized at the core level as a child and how you carry that trauma into your adulthood. Then I’ll also help you learn how to heal your core wounds and stop attracting narcissists once and for all. If you are interested, you can click the “I” button above to book your spot now. The workshop is happening on May 4th and 11th. It will be online. The link is in the description of this episode as well. With that, let’s bring this episode to an end. Thank you so much for tuning in.
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