Today, we’re going to be talking about five realities that you must face if you’re with someone with a narcissistic personality disorder.
These days the term ‘narcissist’ is used fairly loosely, especially given the impact that reality TV and social media have had on our culture. But if you find yourself in a relationship with a real narcissist, you’ll soon realize that narcissistic behavior is a lot more damaging than just posting a lot of selfies on Instagram and wanting to be the center of attention.
A diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder can only be determined in a proper clinical assessment, and it’s worth noting that people can have a lot of narcissistic traits without necessarily having a full-blown personality disorder. At the end of the day, whether someone can be diagnosed clinically or not isn’t the most important thing. What’s usually more helpful is knowing the typical behavior patterns that play out when you’re in a toxic relationship so that you can spot the signs early and save yourself a lot of emotional harm.
But in today’s article, I want to give you the top 5 five realities that you must face if you’re with someone who is a narcissist.
1. You cannot help them
And you cannot love them enough. You cannot support them enough. And you cannot educate them enough. This condition is permanent. There is not any therapy known to actually help them, nor is there a cure, nor is there any medication that they can take that will help them. This is a permanent personality and character disorder. This isn’t like a mental illness that can be treated with medication.
So the first thing you need to come to grips with is to accept the reality that any attempts to make the circumstances better will be futile and will fail, it simply isn’t going to happen. The sooner a victim comes to a place of acceptance that there isn’t anything that can be done to help, the better.
And you have to understand this, no matter what the narcissist is telling you because you can only judge a narcissist by behavioral patterns, not ever onwards because they’re pathological liars. And their goal is to keep you at their disposal for as long as possible.
So they may lie and tell you what you want to hear, they’re gonna lie and say they understand, etc… But the reality is there is nothing you can do to help them because this is permanent.
2. They aren’t going to change
Their brains do not have the capacity to interpret, empathy compassion, love, guilt, remorse, and integrity. They don’t operate like a normal person’s brain. The amygdala and the frontal lobes of their brain don’t function as normal people do, and this is the part of the brain that’s responsible for those feelings and emotions.
So that empathy, guilt, remorse, compassion, they don’t experience those. They don’t feel those feelings. That is how they can get away with doing the things that they do. That’s how they can treat people the way that they do because they truly don’t feel those feelings, and nothing is ever going to change that.
And again, you cannot trust what they tell you because you know they’re liars. You can and should only judge them by their patterns of behavior, nothing else. It’s important that victims really hear this because this is probably the most important fact for victims to come to terms with once and for all so that they can heal and move on with their lives.
If a victim doesn’t fully understand this and come to accept this, it’s gonna leave you extremely vulnerable to further abuse from the narcissist.
3. Things will only get worse
As narcissists age, their abusive behaviors and these delusional beliefs will get worse. You may think that they lack empathy, self-centered, and cruel now, but as they age, they will begin to lose the things that they have relied on the most to fortify their fragile self-esteem.
So narcissists tend to rely on things like their looks, wealth, possessions, connections, Fame, and professional achievements, things of that nature, to make them feel worthy and superior. They’ve also used these things throughout their lives to influence, or impress, or manipulate others, or otherwise control other people.
So as their personal power fades and their social sphere narrows, narcissists need someone to blame and because God knows it’s not their fault. However, that isn’t the only thing that’s gonna get worse, the longer you are exposed to someone like this, the worse things will get for you.
And over time, you will come to accept more and more of the abuse. Little by little, this will wear down your self-worth. You will begin to accept more and more of the blame. Slowly you will lose your will to defend or protect yourself. Those reactions will be smothered. You may start to take on the beliefs of the narcissists, not only can you expect the horrible behaviors the narcissist exhibits to intensify and become more and more frequent.
But literally, your own identity, your genuine ethics and values are in jeopardy. I have seen this happen so many times with long-term exposure to narcissistic abuse. The victim is like morphed into a person you don’t recognize any longer. The effects of the trauma you are being exposed to will deepen and weave itself into the fabric of who you are as a human being.
This is a hard one for some people to accept, but you aren’t ever going to receive a genuine, heartfelt, sincere apology, that just isn’t gonna happen.
First of all, they aren’t sorry. So even if you do get some lame apology, it’s not true, it’s not sincere. And second of all, they most likely will blame you for everything. They either think you are completely to blame because they are so perfect and they are so incapable of accepting anything negative about themselves, or, and this is another big one, they think you are stupid for buying the [ __ ] they were selling.
Many times, I’ve seen this. They will blame you because you should have known better, you should have known they were lying, you should have known they were exploiting you. Therefore, guess what, it’s your fault for being gullible and naïve, but either way, they aren’t going to take the blame for anything, you are.
5. People will believe the narcissist
Others will believe that the narcissist is telling the truth about you, and this is a hard one to accept. And although it defies logic, many people are going to believe the narcissist version of the truth.
It’s not uncommon to have many of your own friends and family members aside with the narcissist, and that’s just a very unfortunate reality of a toxic relationship like this. They are such good liars and they have been manipulating people’s beliefs about you behind your back for so long, that many times, it’s impossible to repair the damage that they do to your other relationships.
If this happens many times, you’re gonna have the urge to defend yourself, make others see the light. You’ll feel outraged and incredibly hurt with this, which is completely normal and understandable. However, if you go out and defend yourself, you’re only going to bury yourself deeper and deeper into the lives they’ve been saying about you.
They have set up the entire situation to make you look as if you are unstable and crazy. So if you get defensive and angry, you will only be validating the points they’ve made to everyone. It’s just not a good idea to try and make others understand or to get even or to get angry. It’s completely normal and understandable. However, it’s not a good idea to try and convince anyone of anything because 99% of the time it will backfire on you.
My best advice is to let it go. Focus on your healing and your life. Whoever is stupid enough to buy this crap will eventually be the ones getting screwed over by the narcissist. That’s only a matter of time. So don’t waste any more of your time or your valuable energy on this situation. It’s only gonna steal more of your self-respect, and time out of your life that you’ll never get back.
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