A narcissist never offers genuine help around the house. They see household chores as mundane tasks you are supposed to handle. After all, they married you with the expectation that you would take care of such duties. For them, marriage is often perceived as a license to use you as a servant. You’re expected to raise the children, cook, clean, earn money, and do everything else while treating the narcissist as an additional child.
However, when they feel the need to call you ungrateful, belittle you, or create the illusion of being helpful, they may offer assistance in sneaky ways. This tactic is designed to confuse you and make you think, “Maybe they are contributing equally. Perhaps I need to let go of my anger and accept that they are a responsible partner or parent.” But this is a psychological game.
1. They Show Up at the Last Minute
A narcissist often appears right before a task is completed, giving the impression they’ve done the heavy lifting. For instance, after you’ve prepared everything for planting in the garden, they might come in and sprinkle a few seeds, claiming credit for the work. Meanwhile, your hard work is dismissed as irrelevant. If you express frustration, they’ll call you ungrateful or accuse you of nagging.
This tactic allows them to be seen as an equal contributor, shutting down any criticism from you or others. It’s all about their physical presence and perceived effort, not actual help.
2. They Avoid Responsibility by Claiming You Don’t Give Them a Chance
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When confronted about their lack of participation, they may claim they don’t get opportunities to help because you handle everything first. Yet, you’ve likely given them countless chances in the past, only for them to procrastinate or abandon tasks entirely.
When you point this out, they’ll accuse you of dwelling on the past and being negative. They’ll insist the present is all that matters, but when given another chance, they’ll fail you again, leaving you to clean up their mess.
3. They Overcompensate in Front of Others
In the presence of guests, friends, or family, a narcissist may act overly helpful, creating the illusion of being a supportive partner. They might do chores or run errands to impress others, drawing praise for their “efforts.”
However, in private, they neglect these responsibilities, leaving you overwhelmed. When outsiders praise them, you feel isolated and invalidated, as no one believes the truth of your situation.
4. They Make Petty Excuses
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Narcissists often find absurd reasons to avoid helping. For example, they might say they can’t move because the cat is in their lap or claim they’re busy with an urgent meeting. They dangle the hope of future rewards—like a salary raise—to justify their inaction, leaving you to shoulder the burden.
If you push back, they accuse you of being unreasonable or trying to make them look bad. Their excuses are a way to dodge responsibility while blaming you for their shortcomings.
5. They Boast About Doing Basic Chores
When a narcissist completes even the simplest task, they expect excessive praise. Washing their own cup or picking up groceries becomes an act of heroism in their eyes. Meanwhile, they ignore the countless hours of hard work you put in every day.
They downplay your efforts, dismiss your sacrifices, and make it clear that their minimal contributions deserve applause. If you don’t respond with admiration, they’ll accuse you of being ungrateful.
The Ulterior Motive
Every action a narcissist takes has an ulterior motive. If they offer help, it’s often transactional—intended to manipulate you into fulfilling their desires later. For example, they might demand intimacy as “repayment” for their so-called assistance, disregarding your emotional and physical well-being.
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