Have you ever found yourself in a toxic relationship? Perhaps you are constantly dealing with someone who keeps gaslighting and controlling you. It’s likely that you’re dealing with a narcissist.
Whether it’s a partner, friend, or family member, narcissists can cause serious damage to your mental and emotional well-being. But fear not! You can stop being trapped and start living your life the way you want once you figure out how they’ve been manipulating you.
Number 1: They Make You Feel Guilty.
A narcissist often deliberately presents themselves as vulnerable, insecure, and socially anxious. They tend to play the victim, constantly needing to be rescued. This can make you feel guilty, leading you to think, “I’m not a bad person. I care about others. How can I just abandon someone who’s struggling?”
The problem is, they are always in some kind of crisis, making it seem like there’s never a “good” time for you to walk away from them. You end up not leaving at all due to the guilt associated with the idea of abandoning them. When dealing with a narcissist, it’s important to see their victim behavior for what it truly is: a tool for manipulation. They might say things like, “Nothing ever goes my way,” “Life’s so unfair to me,” or even, “Who would want to be with someone like me?”
This self-pity isn’t just about insecurity; it’s actually a way to keep you emotionally hooked. Narcissists have some interesting ways of manipulating people, sometimes even putting themselves down to prevent someone from leaving. They might say, “If you leave me, who else would want me?” It’s second nature for them to act like the victim, appearing sullen, resentful, angry, and full of self-pity to make you stay.
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The sad part is that narcissists often attract people who feel drawn to helping others. These rescuers might see the narcissist as a “poor, unlucky person” who needs saving. The tricky part is helping rescuers realize that while their kindness is admirable, it shouldn’t come at the expense of their own well-being. After all, narcissists are masters at exploiting their empathy and compassion for selfish reasons.
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Number 2: They Make You Fear the Idea of Starting Over.
When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, fear often becomes the biggest weapon they use against you. They capitalize on your fear of being alone, managing life on your own, starting over, or even the fear of being wrong about your decision to leave, just to keep you in a toxic relationship with them. They’ll make you ask questions like, “What if they really do change if I stay? What if I’m making a mistake by planning to leave? What will happen in six months if I wait things out?”
Such questions can overwhelm your thoughts, causing you to second-guess your decision to leave. If you’re thinking about leaving, those fears don’t just disappear in an instant. They pile up with feelings of self-doubt, shame, and the worry that you’re making the wrong choice. You might even feel foolish, like you’re about to ruin everything. It doesn’t help when enablers or the narcissist themselves add to the doubt with comments like, “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” This just makes an already tough decision feel even harder.
Narcissistic abuse can really tear down your sense of self, leaving you feeling inadequate and filled with self-doubt. Their victims often end up questioning their own worth, thinking, “Who else would want me?” Narcissists know this and use it to their advantage, which is why they keep saying things like, “Who else will have you?” to instill fear about the idea of escaping them.
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Even after you leave, the challenge isn’t over. Narcissists almost never let go easily because they thrive on manipulation and the thrill of the chase. For instance, if you manage to escape, they’ll often try to pull you back in by preying on your fears and insecurities to regain control. They’ll make you feel that you need them; otherwise, you won’t survive in this cruel world. Of course, that’s not true.
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Number 3: They Make You Feel Like You’re Leaving Your Comfort Zone.
We tend to stick with what feels familiar, even if it’s harmful or traumatic. It’s just human nature. That’s why trauma bonding happens so often in relationships with narcissists. Think about it. Have you ever felt like you’re having the same argument over and over? It’s toxic, sure, but it also feels familiar. Somehow, that familiarity can be oddly comforting.
That’s what a trauma bond does: it keeps you stuck in a toxic cycle, making it much harder for you to leave the narcissist, even when you know it’s not good for you. Trauma bonding has a way of feeling deeply instinctive. It’s as if you’re drawn to the narcissistic relationship because it feels familiar, almost like the dynamic you might have had with an invalidating parent, for example. You might catch yourself thinking, “I enjoy being in this relationship because it reminds me of my mom, who keeps invalidating my feelings. Even though I can’t really explain why, our dynamic feels almost magical and comforting.
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That’s the tricky part. In trauma-bonded relationships, that familiarity can feel oddly comforting. Think about going back to your hometown. Even if you never want to move back because of a traumatic experience, there’s something comforting about knowing the streets, the landmarks, and the vibe of the place. Relationships with a narcissist can feel the same way; you’re drawn to what feels familiar, and the narcissist will use that to their advantage.
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Number 4: They Make You Feel Hopeful.
Hope is a good thing, right? Well, not always, especially when you’re dealing with a narcissist. Their victims often cling to the hope that things will get better. That’s why it’s easy for them to think, “Maybe if I wait another year, things will change. Or maybe when they get that promotion or start making more money, they’ll treat me better.” No matter what horrors they experience because of the narcissist, the idea of things eventually changing gives them hope, and they hold onto that idea tightly.
But here’s the hard truth: that hope is often manipulated by the narcissist to keep you stuck and focused on a future that’s never going to happen. You constantly lower your expectations and convince yourself to wait it out. Things are bound to get better if you stick with them, right? Well, they’re doing the same, but in their own way. For instance, they keep making promises like, “Just give me another year, and things will improve between us.” So, you hold on to that promise.
Once that date arrives and nothing has changed, you just tell yourself to wait it out again. They promised, after all, so they’re bound to fulfill it eventually, right? But let’s be honest: nothing will change. The promises are hollow, and the cycle just repeats until you end it. Narcissists often use the phrase, “It’s never going to happen again,” to pull you back in, especially once they sense you’ve started doubting their promises.
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Now, saying that phrase sounds like they’re owning up to their mistakes, right? It gives you hope that maybe, just maybe, things will be different this time. But here’s the hard truth: it’s not about real change. What they’re really saying is, “You’re not important enough for me to actually change right now.” So, they’re not really taking responsibility for their actions; they’re just manipulating your hope to keep you stuck in the toxic cycle with them.
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