4 Tactics Covert Narcissist Uses To Make you the Villain
They derail the topic by blowing up one word you may say. This is one of the most maddening tactics covert narcissists use. They do not listen to what you are saying; they have selective listening. They scan your words for one single word they can use against you. You can pour your heart out, share your deepest pain, your deepest truth—that’s what they want you to do—but the entire conversation will get derailed because of that one insignificant thing you said.
You might say, “No healthy person does that,” or, “That’s something only extremely controlling people would do.” The covert narcissist will latch onto that word: “Are you calling me controlling now? Am I a manipulator? Are you saying I’m insane?” There they go; they run with it. Because they have selective hearing, they hear what they want to hear, not what you’re saying—what they can weaponize. In doing so, they completely invalidate your pain and refuse to acknowledge what you’re actually trying to say.
My mother would do this all the time. If I said, “You cursed me. No good mother would do that,” she would instantly fixate on the phrase, “Oh, so all of a sudden I’m a bad mother now, huh? I sacrificed everything for you, and now I’m a bad mother.” It always came back to her, and the conversation would spiral from my pain to her sacrifice, about how cruel I am, and how she is the victim. This is not accidental; it is deliberate. It is a form of verbal gaslighting that forces you to question your words, thoughts, intentions, feelings, and even your existence. You begin to feel like you are the one who caused the damage, apologizing for things you never meant, and you start to lose the ability to speak your truth.
Tactic 3: Weaponizing Past Issues
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