4 Tactics Covert Narcissist Uses To Make you the Villain
Sadistic self-deprecation is not your typical self-blame. It is not modesty or humility; it is a weapon in their arsenal. When you try to hold a covert narcissist accountable and they know you are right, they will almost instantly start putting themselves down in the most extreme, sadistic ways possible. They will make themselves look small, broken, unappreciated, unlucky, and misunderstood.
What happens next? Suddenly, your valid points disappear. Now you are attacking an innocent, suffering, miserable person. You are made to feel cruel and heartless, and this is where the trap tightens. Extreme self-blame is not what we expect from narcissists; they do not blame themselves—they blame others. But covert narcissists do it differently. They know exactly how to use it to disarm you. They will blame themselves, curse themselves, and lament their life because they want you to blame yourself without them having to do anything to make you do so. It’s all hidden. They know that self-blame forces you to back down. You are manipulated into releasing them from accountability, comfort them, and even apologize to them. That’s what I did, and that is how you become their fixer, their savior.
I remember this vividly with my mother. Whenever I confronted her, asking, “Why did you say that? Why did you curse me? Why did you humiliate me?” she would almost instantly collapse into self-deprecation. “Oh, now I am a terrible, horrible mother. I sacrificed my life, my youth. I stayed in this marriage for you. I wasted everything, and now this is how you treat me.” Then she would curse herself. What happened next? I would fall to my knees apologizing: “Mom, I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I do not understand you.” That was the only way to calm the storm. Over time, this trains you to become the person who apologizes for simply existing.
Tactic 2: Derailing the Topic
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